poppyshake

I look forward to a time when I can do this. I'm sure that somewhere I still have my copy of Madame Bovary .. a book I hate!! What is wrong with me? and is it curable?

I Capture the Castle - Dodie Smith Waterstones Synopsis: Cassandra Mortmain lives with her bohemian and impoverished family in a crumbling castle in the middle of nowhere. Her journal records her life with her beautiful, bored sister, Rose, her fadingly glamorous stepmother, Topaz, her little brother Thomas and her eccentric novelist father who suffers from a financially crippling writer's block. However, all their lives are turned upside down when the American heirs to the castle arrive and Cassandra finds herself falling in love for the first time. Review: This was chosen for the May Reading Circle and very happy I was about it too. It's long been a favourite, I re-read it every couple of years or so and it never disappoints. As I said on the circle thread it always makes my 'Holiday Cottage Bookshelf List' which I've drawn up just incase I ever own one (you need to plan ahead ) I usually hate the sad old bookshelves in holiday cottages because they're full of abandoned books that nobody gives three straws for. Well MY bookshelf .. or bookcase because I'm never going to fit them all on one measly shelf .. is going to delight and amaze. Holidaymakers will not need to go anywhere .. they can just lounge on the chintzy chairs in front of the woodburner (this is a British holiday after all ) and be transported to better places (which you would hardly think possible). And definitely there on the shelves somewhere (I'm not going to alphabetize them .. that's too unrelaxing for a holiday shelf) will be I Capture the Castle ... and everyone will love it and love me for putting it there. It will be better than the view (which will be stunning) and more exciting even than the teatray (which quite frankly will make you drool.) They will tell all their friends and my holiday cottage will be booked up forever and what's more .. they will have re-discovered their love of reading all thanks to me. I have great faith in my book choices .. or I did but .. and this is a shock that I'm still reeling over .. apparently not everyone likes this book .. which of course leads me to think that there may possibly be other books on that much loved and well thought out bookcase that not only would people not like if they read but may already be on their 'hate with a vengeance' booklist and consequently just spying it sitting there on the shelf will make them mutinous and determined not to enjoy their holiday. I can imagine Henry James's The Ambassadors putting a serious dampener on my holiday arrival. That coupled with a few bad pub lunches could totally do for my cottage and I would be forced to holiday in it myself .. surrounded by books I've already read and too dispirited to make up the welcome tray. You have to have faith in what you believe in though or you're done for (and the shelf would start getting random and resemble all those I've previously been disappointed in) and so I still put great faith in this story. I think it may hinge on what you make of the narrator and diarist Cassandra .. if you like her and like her way of telling the story then you will love it .. and this will be evident by the end of the first chapter .. probably even by the end of the first page. Cassandra along with her elder sister Rose (beautiful but discontented), brother Thomas (still at school), father Mortmain (a successful author of one book written many moons ago but losing the plot now .. literally) stepmother Topaz (not at all wicked but kind and a communer with nature though she overdoes the 'arty' persona somewhat) and Stephen (the son of their former housekeeper who still lives in despite his mothers death) live in extreme poverty in a crumbly old castle which becomes more ramshackle with every passing year. Most of them are quite bonkers .. or eccentric rather. Rather like Jane (in P&P) Rose can't be so beautiful for nothing (though alas she hasn't Jane's sweet disposition) and when two rich young men move into the neighbourhood .. she sees her chance to escape. Cassandra notes it all down. More thoughts here .. May 2012 Reading Circle 10/10 The film is also worth seeing .. it doesn't follow the story religiously but it doesn't stray too far away either. Main cast as follows .. Cassandra .. Romola Garai Rose ... Rose Byrne Mortmain ... Bill Nighy Topaz ... Tara Fitzgerald

I should have put this link up ages ago because I wrote out my thoughts for the Reading Circle in March .. let other keyboards dwell on guilt and misery though .. I'm just glad I remembered it eventually Pied Piper - Nevil Shute Waterstones Synopsis: John Howard is determined to brighten up his old age by taking a fishing trip to France. However, during his stay the Nazis invade and he is forced to try to escape back to England with the two small children of some friends who are forced to stay behind in order to help the Allied war effort. As the conflict grows closer the roads become impassable and Howard also comes across five more children who need his help. He ends up leading this motley group of youngsters through the French countryside, constantly beset by danger yet heroically protecting his charges. Review: The cover had long been calling to me but I didn't know if the story would be my cup of tea. It was however, it had two sugars, milk and everything (and a shortbread biscuit ) John Howard is such an endearing character that you just root for him from the first. He's quite vulnerable and just reading about his attempt to escape from Nazi occupied France would have been nail biting enough but when you add the children to that .. most of which are only recently known to him .. the tension builds considerably. It's a great book, very readable and increasingly unputdownable. As always more opinions can be found here ... March 2012 Reading Circle there may be some plot spoiling though so beware. 9/10

Sorry I'm late Paula .. I'm just so behind at the moment 1. Which story was your favourite, and why? I didn't really see them as separate stories but if split into books then I liked 'The Sixpenny Book' best .. the first chapter is just phenomenal and really sets the scene. The story doesn't alter much in style so if you don't like it at this point you probably never will. However, my favourite bits came in the last book (see below.) 2. Who was your favourite character, and why? Cassandra .. she's so honest and open and I love her way of thinking, she makes me laugh but has the ability also to make me feel quite sad and crumpled. She seems to be the most responsible of them all but also quite fanciful. I like the way in which we see her come of age. I didn't think she was ever 'consciously naive' but she is a little bit unworldly to begin with and then suddenly she grows up. The one thing about diarists is that they have to be interesting otherwise you end up not giving a flying fig about reading their innermost thoughts .. to me she was infinitely interesting and infinitely quotable. 3. Was there a particular part that you enjoyed or disliked more than the rest? The part after Rose leaves for London (but not for that reason ) Firstly we have Cassandra performing the rites for the last time and going to Scoatney for that fateful kiss with Simon and then we have her ecstacy and subsequent misery in finding herself in love with him. It is tragic but, at this point anyway, almost comic .. 'Another great luxury is letting myself cry - I always feel marvellously peaceful after that. But it is difficult to arrange times for it, as my face takes so long to recover' 'I can't think why misery makes me lean against walls, but it does' 'You can't cry on Heloise, she thumps her tail sympathetically but looks embarrassed and moves away'. One of the reasons I liked this part best was that it really is just Cassandra on her own .. most of the family are now tied up in other places and everything concentrates down somewhat. Misery makes Cassandra restless and for a while she hardly knows what to do with herself, she trudges around the village cadging drinks from the vicar and Mrs Jakes .. 'suddenly I felt the most bitter hatred for Rose's green creme de menthe and a deep affection for my ruby cherry brandy' .. when Mrs Jakes serves her a cherry brandy she gloats over the fact that there will be more missing from the cherry brandy bottle and 'now everyone will think that cherry brandy's the popular one'. It's ridiculously petty but so typical of a jealous heart. Cassandra steps into the real world now and begins to shake off all her old childish notions .. poor old imaginary Miss Blossom reverts back to being a mere dressmakers dummy (and that piece of writing alone was incredible) and poor Stephen saves all of his money to buy her a wireless for her birthday only to be usurped by Simon's more expensive and more treasured present of a gramaphone/wireless (again I loved the way this whole scenario played out with Cassandra almost jumping through hoops in order not to disappoint Stephen but being resentful about it into the bargain and annoyed .. there was such an element of truth to it.) 4. Was this the first book you've read in this genre, or by this author? Has it encouraged you to read more? I've read The One Hundred and One Dalmatians which I enjoyed a lot ... there was more to it than I thought there would be. I've also read a biography called Dear Dodie which was fascinating because she's just such an eccentric character. I should read more by her given how much I've enjoyed what I have read but it's the same old story .. not enough time and too many books jostling for attention, also unless you dig about for them they're not that readily available. 5. Were there any parts or ideas you struggled with? Not really, I didn't have a problem with Rose wanting to marry for money .. given the circumstances they were in it's only natural that she should be fed up with living in poverty (I'm not saying that it's right that anyone would .. only that it's normal for them to wish for it). The girls hardly have anything of their own and it can't be said that homelife is all that happy, they haven't even enough to eat (it's not their lack of grand things that upsets but their lack of proper things .. like their shabby towels and moth eaten swimsuits and underwear ) Their father is neglectful and Topaz .. though doing her best .. is not their mother. Common sense eventually prevails and Rose does end up following her heart .. and though Neil has money I feel she would have done just the same even if he hadn't. As for Stephen and Cassandra .. obviously you can't help having tremendous sympathy for Stephen and in a way I hoped (on the first reading) that they would get together .. Cassandra often seemed on the edge of falling in love with him but you can't marry someone just because they are the person who loves you best or the person that would be best for you because they wouldn't be .. not if you didn't love them. It would be just as understandable but just as bad as Rose marrying Simon for his money. 7. Overall, did you find it an enjoyable experience? Totally, it's a book I've long loved and it was an absolute pleasure to revisit it. Every time I read it I find something new to enjoy, I think it will always be on the list of my best loved books .. it always makes my 'cottage bookshelf list' which is a list I drew up after sharing my holiday with yet another depressing holiday cottage bookcase (for the most part they are book graveyards .. full of books nobody cares enough about to take home.) I always thought everyone would love it but I'm not so sure now. I do love books set in crumbly old castles though .. I feel well disposed towards them from the start.

Is it worth doing an update? ... I had to go looking for this thread which for a gas-bag like me speaks volumes. Apart from the Reading Circle read and the books I've listened to or were finishing off .. everything I've read is about Paris This looks set to continue for a bit as the library has just informed me that it's got some books in I reserved whilst high on brie and saucisson. I think I succeeded in making more time to read but it has been difficult because there have been so many distractions. I have FAILED to catch up with my reviews though and am even further behind now. One day I will just sit here and type until my fingers cramp .. just be grateful that that day won't be coming around anytime soon because I am still ridiculously busy with work. Reading Goals for June 2012 Read at least two books that aren't about Paris

We'll get a nice .. out of commission .. red double decker and give it a makeover. I don't know about drugs .. I might need a sedative Is there?? ... isn't that the French? I'm always the last to know I don't know how it works these days. I was reading something recently which said it's all a bit theme park now .. a sort of pastiche of what was .. but that doesn't stop me from wanting to visit. If it's good enough for Jeanette it's good enough for me .. she doesn't strike me as the sort of person who would revere it, as much as she does, if it had gone twee. If you really want to stay the night there Kylie it's worth chancing your arm .. they can only say no and they might very well say yes

I really should do this but can't .. not yet anyway. You are streamlining frankie and I bet you'll feel more liberated as a result. I do feel for your poor bookywooks though .. I bet they were all trying to hide and not look conspicuous I can hardly bear to look at the list but I must .. ooh Wodehouse and Waugh (ouch and ouch) .. and du Maurier (triple ouch) and Pratchett *sad face*

I take my hat off to you Kylie .. I'm too much of a wuss to have run after her .. I would have just stayed in and got upset (and lost my book into the bargain) Good on you gurl!! What an absolute nerve though .. in broad daylight!! It's good that you didn't retaliate because no doubt she knows all about assault etc and probably would have hit her head with a brick in order to implicate you. Glad you called her some choice names though ... wow .. book collecting is getting dangerous Btw .. what is a bogan?

Ahh you won't have that problem here, you are almost guaranteed a cold reception (weatherwise) .. the Mistress may well freeze .. she will definitely need her Finnish socks (if she was ever to come that is.) It's why I eat lots .. just trying to keep my fire stoked up I am as jealous as hell ... what lovely memories and the backs of your heads got their five mins of fame too. Hope the fronts get their five mins soon. (I can see you both as extras in a costume drama though it would mean donning a frilly dress and bonnet .. you can't get away with wearing jeans .. it's just not Regency enough ) Is that like 'Countdown' ?? Man .. we is twins! We can definitely supply you with fish and chips, KFC's and rocky road (though I'm not saying they will be as good as the Aussie versions) but Tim Tams and iced VoVo's?? I don't think we have those. We have Marmite of course which is Vegemite's British counterpart .. but I guess you'll give that the elbow. You have the same empathetic attitude to people's food cravings as I do Kylie I willingly go out and eat it for them, or drink it .. pregnant people are always using my services and I have to say it's no trouble at all.

Thank you Ruth .. I'm sure me and Paris are going to get on famously. I love croissants anyway .. and baguettes .. so I'm practically a native There are two Shakespeare & Co sites to see .. the original one which is alas no more and the current one that's been standing for 60 years or so and is a sort of homage to the first one. I will try and see them both because they're not far from each other. But obviously I'm more excited about the current one .. because it's got BOOKS in and if I buy one it will be stamped with their special ('Kilometre Zero Paris') stamp Wouldn't it be great. Jeanette reckons it's helped her to recover from breakdowns .. just sleeping there among the books. You can't do that in Waterstone's .. they get really annoyed I will do my best. I'm already worrying if I'll have enough memory (on my camera .. I think I'm alright with my actual memory .. I mean I won't end up in Berlin or anything .. hopefully) .. I might need to get another card.

It's going to give me plenty of time to read and plan (and stress ). I booked a hotel yesterday .. was going to get an apartment but our dates are a bit awkward .. wanted to be in the Latin Quarter but have settled for Montparnasse .. on the actual rue that Sartre lived in .. will probably start having 'thoughts' and all sorts .. might even get an idea. Jeanette Winterson stays there a lot .. she is great friends with Sylvia .. not the Sylvia obviously but Sylvia Beach Whitman (how very confusing it all is.) I hope she's (Jeanette) there when I go in .. I'll tell her how much I liked her memoir. I won't mention your bad experience with OANTOF frankie ... it might prejudice my claim (to a bed ) I will, if I'm allowed, take as many pics as poss. I haven't got a camcorder or anything but my camera does record little snippets .. so if I lick a book or anything, I might be able to get that on film (note to self: get a tetanus jab before you go! especially since you've read about all the bugs and mice and stuff.) Fish and chips (licks lips) .. oh you can't go wrong. We will have a fish and chip supper frankie when/if/ you come (hehe .. I can't help thinking that if you ever get here .. you and the mistress will just be in a car all the time going from A to B trying to fit in all the people/places/things that everyone wants you to see .. you should get your own coach or bus or popemobile or something and you can just wave majestically as you pass through all the towns .. getting out only if it is literarily necessary. I am going to take up jogging so that I can run behind and occasionally get to talk to you .. or pass you my books for autographing ) Now I've said that .. you'll probably bump into all the rudest and most obnoxious people in the country I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a brain .. I'd sit in the armchair and watch 'shoot em ups' 24/7 .. just like Alan does Definitely. I understand ranting .. I'm fluent in it Only on birthdays .. so I'll be nice and hairy come January.

I'm sorry Geoff .. it went wrong in the editing suite .. sorry Claire

Fantastic review of Jamrach's Menagerie Willoyd .. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I enjoyed it immensely too .. I wasn't expecting it to be as powerful as it was. I liked it from the start but it really took the wind out of my sails later on .. stomach clenching stuff.

Thank you Geoff .. I'm encouraged I thought it must be quite friendly because so many people like going (and because .. though I'm not visiting him .. Mickey Mouse lives there and surely he wouldn't live in a place that had rude neighbours ) Thanks Claire I'll see if one of the Swindon libraries has it (and I'll mosey over to Willoyd's for a look in a mo). Clarke talks a lot about A Year in the Merde (I would have put an asterisk in that .. if it was in English ) in these books but I thought no .. enough is enough. That is odd .. I wonder if it'll happen to me. I do hope not because it's taking me months to review at the moment (too busy gabbing on about Paris obviously). I'm enjoying the book a lot .. it's full of odd eccentric characters and I can almost smell the place which is not a good thing because by all accounts it smelt terrible (a sort of mixture of old books, unwashed bodies, mouldy food and cats). I hope to visit it .. infact I WILL visit it .. that .. along with the macaroon shop .. is definite

Yes I am .. but not until September we are going to Paris in the Autumn .. it will be fab! Or at least I hope so, I'm not good in cities .. they make me feel pankicky (that's not a word but I like it too much to correct it ) but even so I am looking forward to it and if it all goes wrong then I have no-one but myself to blame because it's 99% my idea (Alan having been in too many cities with me to voluntarily do it again ) I am hoping to get an apartment in the Latin Quarter because I want to feel 'in amongst it' .. especially in the more buzzing areas. I like the sort of narrow streets and sidewalk cafes that they have there and the way that it's not far from anything .. I won't be so comfortable around by the museums but will be visiting them for sure ... will need some courage pills or perhaps some wine .. yes a long lazy lunch will probably make me feel chilled out Anyway Eurostar is booked so Paris here I come (I expect Paris is as nervous about this as me!) If I can convince them I'm a writer I might even grab a bed at Shakespeare & Co and stay there for a few months .. I'll print out this blog .. they'll be well impressed. I think they're very proud of their country and heritage and that can come across as arrogance perhaps but I admire them for that in a way because we (in England anyway) don't seem to care enough about ours. The supermarkets have taken over here .. independent bakeries and butchers etc are few and far between and cheese shops hardly exist. As a result our shopping centres all look, more or less, the same. Cafe's can be very hit and miss and so can restaurants. I'm not saying there isn't good food to be got here but you have to be choosy. I think the standard is much better there because the competition is so healthy. (However frankie .. WERE YOU to come here I'm sure you'd find lots of nice places to eat etc .. you would definitely because I would furnish you with a list ) On the other hand, if you went into a cafe here you could sit where you liked and they wouldn't be in the least bothered .. our drivers wouldn't try and run you over either and if you bumped into someone in the street they would most probably say sorry .. even though it was your fault so I am fond of us and our funny little 'obsessing about the weather' ways .. but at the same time we have this sort of 'I hope it fails' mentality and we could do with being a little bit more 'we're brilliant and everything we do is good' .. not much .. just a pinch. Do you know frankie, I sometimes wonder why I have a brain. I think you'd need a superpower. It'd be a bit of a rubbish one though because I can't think where you could put it to good use. Oh no doubt .. those edited out bits must give you the juice on Ted or else why would he have left them out? I think he was with his last wife for over twenty years, however, I'm not sure if he was faithful. I only know what I know (which is postage sized small) from Sylvia's journals and from doing a little bit of Google mooching. Never, not in a million years. I love you particularly when you're in rant mode It's all fur coat and no knickers .. as my Nan would say. He does .. but he calls them nightmares.

Oh Tunn .. congratulations how lovely and congrats about the promotion too I have no experience in these matters but I feel it's only right to tell you that I don't think you'll be getting much reading done now .. for the foreseeable future

You have so much willpower .. I really don't know how you do it. Well done Claire I have not the slightest doubt that you will reach your goal and much more quickly than you probably thought you would. If I was wearing a hat I would take it off to you but I will do a sort of awkward curtsy instead *bobs up and down in an ungainly fashion* .. you're an inspiration to us all Last weekend I vowed that I wouldn't eat cake during the week .. on Monday I ate a brownie ... that sums up my willpower

Well this is very good news indeed I read it such a long time ago ..as a teenager I think but I remember loving it then. Thanks for reminding me of it Janet . What was the title again?

I've just realised .. and it was very rude of me .. that I didn't say how much I enjoyed your review of The Book Thief Steve. I agree with every word you said (apart from the bit about the lack of splatty bits) .. and it is a very strange feeling indeed Lord, I've just looked back to read it again and come across those photo's .. really you should put up some sort of warning. It reminded me of my old Swindon days

Great halftime review frankie .. love that passage you quoted .. it's just so Fry isn't it? The book is a bit of a shocker .. I remember nearly falling off my chair I was so startled .. not to say revolted .. I was so far out of my comfort zone I had to get a bus back and you just think then, well! .. anything can happen now.

It's biblical isn't it? .. but I'm thinking I read it in an Austen book .. no, not an Austen a Gaskell .. and it was in the adaptation of 'Wives & Daughters' .. Mrs Hamley says it about her son Osborne .. it sort of stuck in my mind after that. Bless you .. I've just been terribly slow about replying. I owe my Mum an email .. she hasn't heard from me for over two weeks and I feel ashamed now .. I've let both her and you down .. really I don't deserve to have friends My favourite is Swindon library which is about 20-25 mins by car but it's worth it. It's nothing special .. a bit tatty really but it's full of books. Cirencester library had a makeover before I moved here .. it's got glass shelves but it's hardly got any books You go through the door and the focus is on DVD's and 'Easy Reads' as if they're having to convince people to read. I believe it used to have a nice library before ... bother .. too late again!! I think Finnish libraries could teach ours a thing or two! But as long as you're selective .. and you are .. it'll always be rewarding and you'll get so much pleasure from them in the future. It's not the same as collecting decorative plates or china dogs or Star Wars figures .. there always comes a point when you think .. why did I do that (usually when you can't move for them). I guess we will all be Kindlified eventually .. there may not be new paper books in the future so these old precious volumes will be even more treasured. My postman would resign .. he's had enough of me and my books already. He hates January and he hates February .. I believe he may well run away this Christmas I so do .. mine is playing hide and seek lately. One man would do .. as long as he brings a harpoon sized tranquilizing dart with him

I don't really have any tips .. in hotels they wrap the toast in a napkin but this is a big no no .. it steams the toast and makes it go .. as Delia would say ... 'wangy' which is a very bad thing indeed. My toaster is one that doesn't pop up ... it has a timer and it rings when the toast is done (and the heat switches off) but the toast stays in and you pop it up with a lever .. which means you can pop just one slice up and then let the other one down again to keep warm .. YES, that's it .. it has a warming function .. why didn't I say that earlier It's ok, but it does mean that you have to stand up and eat your toast at the counter .. like eating pancakes .. it's not restful! I didn't actually think that was possible ... and you're ok? .. I mean nothing's dropped off or anything? Well, yesterday I learnt that you can actually lick your own elbow (however .. it's still eluding me ) and today I've learnt that people can function perfectly normally without toast. Yes, I agree .. what he left out will speak volumes .. and it will be very, very interesting. The thing with Assia is I think she carried the guilt about Sylvia .. why else would you kill yourself in exactly the same way? (though she may have thought this the best way of avenging herself on Ted). I don't suppose the public were very nice to her ... it must have been a harrowing time especially as Ted didn't want to commit. Again she was fragile and he was .. well (no offence) .. a man! .. they're a foreign country aren't they? .. or is that 'the past'? I blame him for a lot of things but not for their deaths because you have to take responsibility for your own actions. He gave both women cause but he wouldn't be the first man .. or woman .. to do that. Sylvia had already attempted to take her own life before she met him .. I feel it would have come sooner or later because she felt so deeply about things and took rejection (not only in love but in work too especially) badly. Leonard Woolf was devoted to Virginia and she was a highly successful author .. but that wasn't enough to stop her from jumping in the river. They had too many demons .. and thats the real tragedy .. they found it hard to be truly happy This is not letting Ted off .. he was a super rat but no more so than Prince Charles or Hemingway or Bill Clinton or Ronnie Wood or Brad Pitt .. I guess it's what comes after that colours our view of a person. We don't really think ill of Brad .. but if Jen had taken her own life ... we would most probably (though it's a weird society we live in because mostly we blame Angelina.)

Talk to the Snail - Stephen Clarke Waterstone's Synopsis: Have you been taken to what you've been assured is the perfect house deep in the French countryside, only to find there's no electricity or running water? Gone to the doctor with a nasty cough, and been diagnosed with a rather more personal complaint? Walked into an half-empty restaurant, only to be told that it's complet? If the answer to any of the above is oui, "Talk to the Snail" is the book for you. Find out how to get served in a restaurant; the best way to deal with French hypochondria; learn the language of love, sex and suppositories (not necessarily in that order); it's all here in this funny, informative, seriously useful guide on how to get what you really want from the French. With advice on essential phrases and bons mots to cover all eventualities, and illustrated with witty real-life anecdotes, "Talk to the Snail" is a book that no self-respecting Francophile - or Francophobe - can afford to be without. Don't go to France without reading this book. And don't even think of buying a house there. Paris Revealed - Stephen Clarke Waterstone's Synopsis: Paris is one of the most visited cities in the world. But do you know ...Which is the most romantic spot to say 'je't'aime'? And the sexiest? Where to see fantastic art, away from all the crowds? Why Parisian men feel compelled to pee in the street? How to choose a hotel room where you might actually get a good night's sleep? Stephen Clarke goes behind the scenes to reveal everything Parisians know about their city - but don't want to tell you. Review: Yes, alright .. I have gone mad for all things French. I've been eating the food (the food that I can get hold of that is .. the rest I have just been drooling dreaming about), reading the books and I would indeed be listening to the music if my CD of French accordion songs had turned up from Amazon but ... malheureusement .. it hasn't Anyway, when I saw these books at my local library (and I'm almost tempted to take my comments about them back now ... almost ) I snatched them up because they had my name on .. figuratively speaking. Now it's all meant to be incredibly tongue in cheek and indeed both books are very funny but I read a lot of things that .. instead of informing me .. have worried me half to death To be fair this is pretty easy ... just telling me that a decent cuppa is going to be hard to find is enough to make me want to press a lavender soaked hankie to my temples .. mais non! .. it is much worse than that. Some of Stephen's musings and advice: 'When dealing with a Frenchman, you need to be aware that there is a voice in his head. It is constantly telling him "I'm French, I'm right". 'The French are geniuses as being polite while simultaneously insulting you'. Café au lait: 'All too often I hear English-speaking tourists asking for "un café olé si voo play" and I know they're going to end up with a cripplingly expensive tureen of beige soup'. 'Good service is like a computer game. You've got to press the right buttons or it'll be game over before you've had a chance to buy a single croissant'. 'If you only want a drink, don't sit down at a table that has been laid for lunch/dinner. Sit in the wrong place and they will set the dogs on you (verbally at least)' 'Do not under any circumstances, mention the words "vegetarian" or "food allergy" because doing so will only cause unnecessary panic like saying "bomb" in an American airport. 'Don't step on to one of the pedestrian crossings that have no traffic lights and expect an oncoming driver to stop of his or her own accord. Stepping out in front of this car, even if it is some way off, will get you, at best, yelled at, and at worst run over and yelled at'. 'I have probably written more than anyone on the subject of dogs doing their business on Paris's pavements. Even more shocking, to me at any rate, is the fact that Parisian men are just as active as the dogs' 'If you are standing on a crowded train, crushed up against the doors, and it arrives at a large junction, people are going to want to get off. They will probably start saying "Pardon, je descends" even before the train has stopped. As soon as the doors open, you have to get out of the train, step to one side, and wait while hordes of impatient Parisians stream out of the carriage. Failure to do this can result in ruptured kidneys. And so it goes on, there seems to be a right and wrong way of going about everything .. a certain etiquette needed re queues, getting served, ordering food, crossing roads, spare seats on the Métro, the proper way to greet someone, asking directions etc etc and a 'beware list' as long as your arm. There are plenty of positives too but I did .. what I always do in life .. I focused on the negatives (aren't you proud of me ) .. the 'could go disastrously wrongatives' .. and there seems to be a lot of them. Now a sensible person would say to themselves .. 'most of this is just common sense .. I'm not stupid' but the thing is I am I have only travelled on the London underground a handful of times and I managed to go the wrong way then .. and I was only going from Earls Court to Olympia .. that is one stop away!!!! I tend to panic in unfamiliar circumstances and all of Alan's time and focus is used up on trying to stop me from dissolving in a heap ... oh joie! I have since bought the Eyewitness information guide on Paris and it's much more calming .. it has pics of lovers on bridges and pics of macaroons so all in all a much more soothing and encouraging book. It has a survival guide at the back which I feel was written just for me and lots of maps and stuff. So, to a certain extent, I feel confident again that I can visit Paris and come home with both sanity and bones intact. Stephen Clarke has written some others too but I won't be reading them because it'll just be more of the same but if you like reading humorous travel books (and I usually do) then you'll probably enjoy these enormously. 7/10 both

Oh to be a dog in your house chalie You guessed it .. yes but it's not going all that well. A couple of the books have put me off a bit not this one though, it's fab. I am stretching it out cos I'm loving it so much. It's just fascinating stuff What is their word for grapefruit? ... pamplemousse? .. isn't that a great word I do feel I would have made a good Parisian but then apparently I'd have to be jolly rude or at least quite brusque and I don't think I'd ever get used to not apologising myself to death. I remember laughing lots and also being quite shocked/revolted

That's the great thing about this place .. there's room for us all