layla999 Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 .. Twitch burst in, his face a mask of fury. "Johnny Revolting? You're a bloody joke! You're the one who ratted me out to the coppers!" he shouted, his voice echoing off the walls. Before I could respond, the balding bloke stepped forward and grabbed me by the collar. "Enough!" he growled, his eyes narrowing. "We've got a deal to settle here." As Twitch lunged forward to attack me, the balding bloke intervened, pushing them both back. "Listen, you two," he said, his voice calm but firm. "We've got a problem to solve. Let's do this the civilized way." He turned to me. "You owe Twitch a debt, Johnny. A big one. How do you propose to pay it off?" ... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 27 Author Share Posted August 27 ' Well.. I'll buy you all a pint..get well and truly steamed, and then all stagger to a waiting taxi. All's fair, both in love and war, as my erstwhile dad in law to be was saying three months ago...' ' Sod it..let's all go drink..' and at that, we all piled into Twitch's chauffeur driven Rolls. ' So, Mr Revolting' , said Twitch, peering Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 at me myopically. He was very short-sighted and refused to wear glasses as he felt it ruined his image. He couldn't abide sticking a finger in his eye so contacts were out of the question. As a result he spent a lot of his life mistaking people's identities. Unfortunately for me, this was not one of those times. 'what made you ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 (edited) wan a..kinda.. loik.. seek me aaht? ..See fing is, me n veez lot ere ave ad it ap to veback teef wiv bizzy body idiots troina be clever...get me?', he asked, chewing gum like some thirdrate two bit actor in one of the worst movies you ever saw. 'Not that it may bother you , but did you know, when you smile, the entire world smiles with you', I said, attempting to broaden the discussion and be positive.....perhaps... Edited August 28 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 30 Share Posted August 30 I could lighten the mood, get on the right side of Smithy aka Twitch and thereby escape unharmed. He stared at me with a curiously menacing myopic glare. It didn't help that he also appeared to suffer from strabismus, and I wasn't sure which eye to focus on. I didn't remember him having this problem at school or in his teen years. Perhaps a knock on the head, which given his chosen career path, seemed a fairly likely scenario? I found his stare quite hypnotic, rather like a cobra about to strike. 'Oi dohn do 'appy, wats there to be bluddy 'appy about?' 'Well ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 31 Author Share Posted August 31 ....each time you smile..andyour malevolent gleam in the eye is magnificent....pheromones are getting released into the cumulative society. When beetles nosh on flies, plants are saved...when someone handsome such as you, actually does some work, women swoon at your skill Smiffy... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 'Shut yor face! You does nuthink but gab gab gab. Duz me 'ead in.' So out of consideration for his cranial challenges, I buttoned it. We'd been travelling for quite some time in the opposite direction to the Noose and Gallows, the pub that had been mentioned as our destination, and I began to feel nervous. But I felt I'd better ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 3 Author Share Posted September 3 brighten things up, so , out came my phone, on came Amazon music. First up, Sorrow by David Bowie. ' Wiv yer long blonde 'air n yer eyes of blue'...came the refrain repeated by the others in the car. Soon passersby were looking amazed as 'something tells me you're the devil's daughter...sorrow' came from my phone, my several ugly companions joining in heartily. A pub called The Nail and Copper, on Godbehere Lane, was beckoning, and Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 as we pulled in another Bowie song came on, Under Pressure, which seemed fitting. Walking in ahead of the others (they insisted I go first, I think they suspected I might leg it, which had definitely crossed my mind) I began to feel apprehensive. The patrons were of the dodgy variety and the way they were eyeing me up sent a ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 6 Author Share Posted September 6 frisson of fear down my spine. 'Hi Smiffy ve drinks are on me ', said Wilfie Hedgeshearer, 54, a blacksmith originally from Cheam, 'and.. jas ter show aah honest we all iz in ere..Will be announcing a list of ve croims owd bill are aahfter us for..ooo? Ooz vis?', he said, looking Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 7 Share Posted September 7 at me suspiciously. 'D'own worry 'bout 'im. We got ow eye on 'im.' 'Tha's all verry well, but I ain't goin' inta my trubbles wid the bill wiv some complete stranga!' 'I'm no stranger to police involvement myself, I'll have you know!' I stated indignantly. 'Why, only the other day ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 8 Author Share Posted September 8 (edited) the plod were round, attempting to force me to pay some vile burger company 800 notes, due to some decrepit vicar do gooding it by sending burgers to eat at various social centres. Making me pay for it', I said, my indignant pause for effect having negligible visible effect upon Smiffy and co. Understanding.... Edited September 10 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 unfortunately, seemed to be lacking in my audience. I continued, 'Then he had the audacity ...cheek and gall like, (I suspected I'd been using too complex words) to dump a ton or more of cat litter at my front door! We had to use the back door for days! It was most inconvenient and we lost heaps of customers, not to mention the cats deciding that was now their litter box!' There were several muffled guffaws. 'Where'd ya find diz bozzo?' asked Wilfie. Thinking he was addressing me, I went on to describe the Vicar, 'Well ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 11 Author Share Posted September 11 (edited) ...he brought a load of chav teens round one morning, rehabilitation he said. Give em something to do he said. Wretched chavs ended up costing me a small fortune in wages.It showed that even the thickest, roughest... Edited September 12 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 12 Share Posted September 12 louts aren't backwards in coming forwards when it comes to dosh.' 'So, yor a bit ofa soft sonofa*beep*, are ya?' asked Gunner Stone, 45½, from Hackney. 'I wouldn't say that!' I said indignantly, 'why only last week I ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 12 Author Share Posted September 12 ran hell for leather, swiftly and masculinely away from a chav who swore and lunged at me as I perused clothes in the underpants aisles at Tesco. Week before, I whispered stop it to a beggar harassing an old man on Cheapskate Hill, devil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 -may-care, that's me.' 'Get 'im outta 'ere or we'll giv 'im a stompin'!' A couple of the heavies threw me out and kicked me for good measure ... just when I thought I was making such good progress. I limped to the nearest pay phone (my mobile had been smashed and rendered useless) and riffled through my pocket for loose change. I extracted four screws, a handful of whiskas fishy crunchy delights, a half-eaten hobnob, a steak knife, one chopstick but no ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 14 Author Share Posted September 14 cash. A hobo type bloke, long hair, beard nesting a family of sparrows, said, ' 'avin' trabble moit? Wassap?' 'I need to make a call to my betrothed, my friend..would you help me with a few readies? Spondoolicks? Cash?' 'Now oi won't.. bat ere, ring er on vat', and I took his phone, dialled home, and heard 'Stripy Cat cafe, assistant manager at your service.' It was our newest prodigy, [I forgot his name, Poppy..make his name up if you can't remember..the new, quirky, 'assistant '. ] 'Assistant manager my right iris..put my wife on now please, and make.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 15 Share Posted September 15 (I'd completely forgotten about the new assistant, let alone his name 🤣 But I checked back😁) it snappy!' I barked. 'She's not here right now, she popped out to do some sort of lady thing. She left me in charge,' said Clyde Piper. 'What do you mean, some kind of lady thing??!! Oh, never mind, look I'm stuck outside the Nail and Copper Pub. Can someone come and get me?' 'I don't drive and I don't know when Rosie will be back. Hang on, I'll ring the vicar and get him to pick you up.' 'NOOOOOOOO ....' But too late ... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 16 Author Share Posted September 16 (edited) ...up strode Parson Cross, jumping from his car with ' I say old chap..my holy motto has and ever shall be..help those best able to help themselves, for they are the blessed of the globe.' 'Sounds about right', and with that I waltzed away into a waiting taxi. My jaunts hadn't Edited September 16 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 19 Share Posted September 19 proved very successful, in fact all things considered, they were a bit of a disappointment. However, say lavvie, as my mother always used to remark, which I took to mean that things were always going down the gurgler or outdoor bog in our case. Growing up, we lacked any kind of mod cons. We walked barefoot to school, summer and winter, rain, hail and snow. Uphill both ways. But we were happy. Arriving home, I discovered Rosie hadn't done anything more exotic than visit the hairdressers, but I wondered if a vivid shade of purple might have a rather ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 19 Author Share Posted September 19 perplexing effect, not a soporific one, on Boadicea and her brother Billyballs, two tabby and white tuxes adopted from a Cretan mother of quadruplets in Hertfordshire. 'Whaddya think Johnny ...Clyde styled it, with amazing aplomb ,while Bella cut and dried it.. amazing!!', and, alarmingly, Clyde came out of our.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 21 Share Posted September 21 office sporting a fluorescent green bowl cut. 'Darling, you look amazing,' I felt for the sake of harmony it best to appear complimentary, 'but I'm very concerned that you, Clyde, will completely alarm and unsettle the cats now. I really think it best if you leave right ...' But the cats proved me mistaken by surrounding Clyde with much purring and leg winding. 'Well, we can't stand around all day, work to be done, chop chop, Clyde.' 'Actually, Johnny,' said Rosie, 'we ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted September 22 Author Share Posted September 22 have a tiny bit of a major surprise for you. Bella and Frederick Blancmange, hairdo specialists from Leblanc, join me now in heralding this great event..Johnny Revolting having his hair done by Bella, in black and white, a la your favourite badgers of the field..' 'Correct', intoned Clyde effortlessly, ' indeed if you prefer stoat, rabbit, weasel, wolf or rat hair, oh my will I oblige..in fact my esteemed teacher, mentor, pain in the rectum and guide, Soosoo Theloo, a socialite from... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 Peckham, is a particular expert at what many mistakenly call 'vermin', but I prefer to think of as 'God's precious little creatures.' 'If you lot think I'm going to let these crackpots touch a single hair on my head, you've got another think coming! You can all just ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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