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WHO DREAMS THESE UP?.............A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

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  • 1 month later...

A colony of bats hanging from the roof of a large cave, start to wake up for their evening flight and search for food. The leader of the colony sees one bat on the floor of the cave, standing upright. 'What are you doing down there?' he calls. 'Yoga' came the reply.

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  • 2 months later...
2 hours ago, timebug said:

If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.

This isn't just funny, it's also good practical advice :giggle2:

 

1 hour ago, poppy said:

The limerick one is very clever and love the book summaries :lol: Wish I could think of succinct descriptions like those!

Me too, I think Dante's Inferno was my favourite one :lol:. Although it's weirdly made me want to try Don Quixote...

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  • 5 months later...
17 hours ago, lunababymoonchild said:

I heard this on my FB today : What part of the body dies last? Your pupils because they dilate (die late geddit?)

HA, HA

 

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM: “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "YES."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "YES."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.
And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government. This practice remains unbroken to this day.

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20 minutes ago, muggle not said:

HA, HA

 

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM: “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "YES."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "YES."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.
And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government. This practice remains unbroken to this day.

Sad but true

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  • 3 months later...
  • 1 month later...

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field so he asks his sheep dog to count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "I rounded them up."

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his torch around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the torch back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."


Freaked out, he shined his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, the beam of his torch came to rest on a parrot. The burglar relaxed.

 

"What's your name?" he said, more to himself than the parrot 

 

"Moses," replied the bird. 

 

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"


The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people that named their Rotweiller "Jesus"!

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  • 2 weeks later...

SEX AT  73

I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at  73

I'm so happy, because I live at
number   71.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!

~~~~~


Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now,
but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your
call,
you are one of the
changes."

~~~~~


My wife and I had
words, but I didn't get to use
mine.


~~~~~

Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your
glasses.


~~~~~

Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting.


~~~~~

The
irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.

~~~~~


God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.

~~~~~


I was
always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.

~~~~~


Every
morning is the dawn of a new
error.

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before
you expire.

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/14/2023 at 12:22 AM, Hux said:

"My friend has a Quality Street chocolate blocking his windpipe."

 

"The Purple One?"

 

"Yeah, that's him."

I probably laughed a little too much! 😀😆

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  • 2 months later...

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