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A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

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Here is my favourite joke in the whole world...


What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?



What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye?

Winky Wonky



I don't know why, but it cracks me up. :D Its even better if you are a little bit drunk. :D

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Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'


She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'


The defense attorney nearly died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

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A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is

installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to

withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new

facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when

accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &

FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate

steps for your gender."




1. Drive up to the cash machine.


2. Put down your car window.


3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.


4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.


5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.


6. Put window up.


7. Drive off.




1. Drive up to cash machine.


2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.


3. Set parking brake, put the window down.


4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.


5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.


6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.


8. Insert card.


9. Re-insert card the right way.


10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.


11. Enter PIN.


12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.


13. Enter amount of cash required.


14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.


15. Retrieve cash and receipt.


16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.


17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.


18. Re-check makeup.


19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.


21. Retrieve card.


22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.


23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.


24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.


25. Redial person on cell phone.


26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.


27. Release Parking Brake.

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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

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Charm what are these lines for.


These jokes are so funny.


They were pics which didn't come out ok so i deleted the post - sorry! :roll:

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Irish Coffee


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.


'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.


'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'


It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.


'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'


'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'


'F**kin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

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Q: What's the difference, these days, between a pigeon and a city broker?


A: A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a ferrari!! :)

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One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Edited by Michelle
please don't increase text size :)

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Guest Vince

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he`s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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Husband and his wife were going to bed one night and as she was getting undressed she was looking in the mirror and complaining about her body.

She turned to her husband and said, "My hair is dull and lifeless, my wrinkles are getting deeper, my bum is sagging and my varicose veins are getting bigger. I feel old. Pay me a compliment darling!"

To this her husband replied " Oh ok. Your eyesight's spot on!"


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A drunk man who smelled of strong alcohol sat down on in a subway car next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.


He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'


The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'


The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'


The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

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What did the digital clock say to his mother?


Look, Ma, no hands!


LOLOL. This from my 11 yr old son today.

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Best Menopause Question Ever


Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?


Woman's Answer: One!


ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?


Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! :irked:


They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!


They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they

figured it out.


And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the

#&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET

for the past 17 YEARS! :motz:


But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER,

the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb













I'm sorry. What was the question? :D




Thanks for this Poppy! lol

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At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.

At age 35 success is . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put

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Fast Thinker

A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun.. and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses ..... He turns around and asks the next customer in line. "Did you see me Rob this Bank?"


The customer replies.."YES!" The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT AT THE GUY'S HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!.. SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!


He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man..."DID ... YOU... SEE.. ME... ROB THIS BANK????"




The man calmly responds..."No.. But My Wife Did!"

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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"To which she replied, "I'm late for work."Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.""And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he asked."You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." she responded.Traffic Ticket

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"Cash, cheque or credit card ?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her bag. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." :)

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One of the pleasures of getting old & getting away with so much more !! :)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.....

An old man once told us...........Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age !!!! :)

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