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HeHe....see photo.

 

I loved this pic muggle not, it's one of so few I can show my mother that references that book!  :D

 

 

I'm not quite sure who came up with this and how, but this made me laugh :lol:

 

Brilliant one frankie. Although I now have the brain worm of the song.  :giggle2:

 

 

Crabs And The Blonde Flight Attendant

 

Funny one muggle not. My husband LOVED this joke.  :D

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lol. I didn't get it the first time I read it either, then it clicked :D Since the song came out in the early 80's, a lot of people probably wouldn't see the connection, although surprisingly (I just looked it up) the band are still going.

 

Yep, it's a pretty old song, but it's a classic though so you never know, new generations might still learn it and get it :D 

 

Wow, I had no idea they're still in the business! 

 

 

Brilliant one frankie. Although I now have the brain worm of the song.  :giggle2:

 

I know what you mean :D My flatmate was actually listening to the song yesterday, and that's what prompted me to google the picture, it came to my mind immediately. Then I had to post it on here. I couldn't get the song out of my mind, until I started wondering what band it was that did the Down Under song. And then I got that song playing in my head :rolleyes::D It's been going strong today, too :D

 

Is it called a brain worm in English? Cool :D We Finns call it an 'ear worm' :D 

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Is it called a brain worm in English? Cool :D We Finns call it an 'ear worm' :D

In Dutch it's called 'ear wurm' too! (oorwurm)

 

Nice picture and joke :).

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Crabs And The Blonde Flight Attendant

 

 

 

 

Finally a joke where the blondes get the last laugh :D

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HEHE - I like this one.

 

 

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down here? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up and said to the Marine, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window."
Edited by muggle not

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For better digestion I drink beer,

in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine,

in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine,

in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch,

and when I have a cold I drink schnapps.

"When do you drink water?"

I've never been that sick!
 

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two blondes standing beside their car....one turns to the other and says what are we going to do..the keys are locked in the car..the other shakes her head..i dont know.. we better do something because it looks like its going to pour down rain...... . and the roofs down........rofl1.gif

 

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Apolitical Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one --when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

 

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Apolitical Aphorisms

 

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~

 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

~Aesop~

 

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~

 

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~

 

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~Tex Guinan~

 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~

 

There ought to be one day -- just one --when there is open season on Congressmen.

~Will Rogers~

 

 

These are very good Muggle :giggle2:

 

Especially like this one, which could be true of all political leaders I feel ....

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

 

And sadly, this one is very true too .....

 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~Tex Guinan~

 

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Super wisdom from Will Rogers! 

 

 

Never squat with your spurs on!

 

 

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages the U.S. has ever known. 

Some of his sayings:
 

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.


8. There are three kinds of men:

    The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER... 

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. 

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young. 

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. 

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today it's called golf. 


And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old. 

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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer(who we will call 'Muggle Not') decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave'.

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked'.

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator'...

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The Bottle of Wine
For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine..

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips in Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the elderly Navajo got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk...

The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.

The Navajo was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:







"Good trade . . . ." :D 

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience of senior citizens in Tampa.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
 

Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
“No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”   :angel_not:

Edited by muggle not

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