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I'd better start speaking French then - LOL!

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Whats brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick.

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

 

That was a trip down memory lane.

 

 

 

 

I'm writing a suspense novel...

 

Or am I?

 

 

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Chelsea player found in bed with his OWN wife!

 

 

 

 

I was doing a crossword puzzle:

 

"The interval of time between birth and death...6 letters".

 

I was about to write my answer in, but thought life is too short.

 

 

 

 

Wow. If this is how the Irish party on St. Patrick's day, imagine what they'll be like at the world cu..

 

Oh yeah, doesn't matter.

 

 

 

I just watched a documentary about Margaret Thatcher.

 

It had the warning "May Not Be Suitable For Miners".

 

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There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL ) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

 

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

 

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Me and the missus have split up!

She says I love football more than her!

I'm devestated!

We've been together for 9 seasons!

:)

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Hollywood Squares:

 

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

 

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

 

A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen seconds later): Loneliness!

 

And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty...

 

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

 

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A.. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

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I come from a long line of conga dancers.

 

 

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on curiosity.

The librarian asks, "What do you want to read that for?"

 

 

 

My girlfriend has kicked me out saying that I'm big headed.

 

Personally I think I was too good for her anyway.

 

 

 

If Benitez asked his Liverpool squad to push pineapples and shake a tree, what would Agger do?

 

 

 

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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In the book I am reading at the moment (Getting old is murder by Rita Lakin) there is one guy always telling bad jokes. Well, most of them I understand but not all. I thought, maybe you can help me? I think the problem is my english language capability, maybe there are other meanings to some words I don't know...

 

So, here is one of the jokes I don't understand:

 

Six old guys are sitting around the old folks hom, smoking stogies and drinking schnapps when Sexie Sadie comes by batting her eyelashes at them. She holds up her pocketbook and says, 'If you guess what's in the purse you get free sex tonight.' One old guy says, 'Ya gotta elephant in there?' She bats her eyes again. 'Close enough.'

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I think the joke is that Sadie is offering sex, but the old man that 'guesses' doesn't want to have sex with her, so his 'guess' is just ridiculous as she clearly could not have an elephant in her purse. Sadie must want to have sex, or wants the old man to think she does, so when she responds with 'Close enough' she is making the possibility of sex likely.

 

The joke is that she couldn't possibly have an elephant in her purse, and what on earth could be a 'close enough' guess?

 

Not a great joke. :lol:

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Ah, thanks. Now I understand. It isn't really funny, but the guy is described as one making bad jokes, so that fits in :lol:

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Prince Charles was doing a grand tour of Australia. He was informed by his assistant that he had to open a cannery in Woga Woga (In New South Wales, near Sydney).

 

The next day he was in Woga Woga ready for the opening. Limo, assistants, bodyguards, suit and a large pair of scissors.

 

As Prince Charles was making a speech, people were rudely staring at an unusual ornament on his head- A fox hat. but no one dared mention it to him. Prince Charles cut the ribbon and everyone there went upstairs to have a little party with canned food and all the rest of it.

 

Eventually a drunk man approached Prince Charles and said "Sir, I appreciate you being here but what's up with that ridiculous fox hat?"

 

Charles was happy to reply. "Well I called Mummy last night and asked her what I should wear to open a cannery in Woga Woga.Then she said 'wear the fox hat!'"

(Read that bold bit out if you don't understand it.)

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:lurker: man that was good!

 

I could imagine her, sitting on the other side of the phone, sipping on some aged brandy, smoking a cigarette that is on one of those stick looking extenders or what have you.

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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horses"

 

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

 

The Old Indian answered, "It

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Two Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

... Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Haemorrhoids.

This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!

So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.

Freaks and Cheeks....still no good.

Loons and Moons - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specialising in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

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Two Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

 

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

 

... Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.

 

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

 

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Haemorrhoids.

 

This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.

 

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.

 

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good.

 

Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!

 

So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.

 

Freaks and Cheeks....still no good.

 

Loons and Moons - forget it.

 

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

 

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specialising in Odds and Ends.

 

Everybody loved it.

like it

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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horses"

 

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

 

The Old Indian answered, "It�s a common Indian name.

 

It means . . . ... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG! "

 

My husband actually laughed out loud when I read him this one! He asked when I had changed my name! Cheeky swine! :P

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A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'" He replied, "The drugs are wearing off."  

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1. There are two kinds of pedestrians ....... the quick and the dead.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday; lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
5. Ever wonder who the person was to look at a cow and say, "think I'll pull on one of those dnagly things and see what comes out?"
6. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about him?
7. If corn oil is made from corn and vegatable oil is made from vegatables, what is baby oil made of?
8. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which someone can die.
9. And lastly, if Superman could stop bullets, why did he always duck when the bad guy threw a gun at him?

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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..


2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..


3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back..


4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen..


5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"

So I bought her an electric chair..

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."..


8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off..


9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"..


10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce..

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'..

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her..


13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"..

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