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bev

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:console: I love the hollywood rules...the french bread one is so true. And yep, the police are always retired when they solve the case :blush:

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A man is about to tee off on a golf course when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and finds a man standing behind him. The second man hands him a card, reading,

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Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said "I've just spoken to JT and he's lost the captain's armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me".

 

 

The government are planning to halve the number of smokers by 2020.

Should be fairly simple, just give them more cigarettes.

 

 

Local News: 'Amputee robber evaded police for 15 days'

15 days. That's amazing considering he wasn't armed

 

 

 

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:roll: thought it wouldn't be long for the John Terry jokes to start :D

 

John Terry - Sometimes he scores at the Bridge...sometimes at the Bridge's

 

 

William Hill is offering 11/2 on John Terry to score away from home tonight.

At those odds i'm chucking a

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I heard a burglar downstairs last night, so I phoned the police.

"What do you expect us to do about it?" asked Sting.

 

 

When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someones door and run away before they answered.

Nowadays, its known as "Parcelforce"

 

 

My boss says I tire too easily.

Which is why I'm Kwik-Fit fitter of the month for January.

 

Robbie Keane is heading back to spurs in the morning.

He was only on loan till the end of Celtics season.

 

Sky Sports has learned that the England players and staff have unanimously voted for John Terry to remain in the England Squad for the World Cup.

With a ban on WAGs at the tournament nobody wants him to be left at home

 

I'm actually a skilled mind-reader.

I know what you're thinking.

You don't believe me.

 

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Sky Sports has learned that the England players and staff have unanimously voted for John Terry to remain in the England Squad for the World Cup.

With a ban on WAGs at the tournament nobody wants him to be left at home

 

That's got to be the best one I've heard yet :D

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I heard a burglar downstairs last night, so I phoned the police.

"What do you expect us to do about it?" asked Sting.

This reminds me of a true story. A friend of mine, in his wayward youth, was hanging around with friends and, not exactly causing trouble, but not exactly being quiet either. A guy came out of his house and shouted, "If you lot don't pack it in, I'll get the police on you!", to which my mate replied, "What you gonna do? Get Sting to come round my house and sing *puts on Sting singing voice* "Do not do it again!". We were in fits over that one. :D

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Last week the Head Librarian died.

Out of respect today at 11.00 they will have two minutes noise.

 

I was just reading back over this thread (as I've never actually looked at it before) and I nearly spat coke everywhere when I read that. HAHAHA! :lol:

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After a few pints, me and my mate were hungry so we started eating our sandwiches at the bar.

"Hey," said the barman, "You can't eat your own food in here."

So we swapped sandwiches.

 

I was just chatting with my aunt on my mother's side.

They're conjoined twins

 

I've written the funniest joke ever about Bono's death. The only problem is that it makes no sense at the moment because he is still alive.

I'm quite prepared to bide my time for a few decades until his life comes to a natural end, but if anyone wants to hear the joke now, and it really is the funniest joke ever, you know what you have to do....

 

 

Just seen the Facebook group: "I wish my laptop had unlimited battery".

What, a plug?

 

Is calling Atheism a Religion like calling bald a hair colour?

I bet the Ancient Egyptians rocked at Pictionary.

 

My mate's wife left him at the weekend. She said she was going out for a pint of milk and hasn't been seen since.

I asked him how he was coping. "Not bad", he said, "I've been using that powdered stuff".

Do pregnant Jelly Fish have Jelly Babies?

 

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I've written the funniest joke ever about Bono's death. The only problem is that it makes no sense at the moment because he is still alive.

I'm quite prepared to bide my time for a few decades until his life comes to a natural end, but if anyone wants to hear the joke now, and it really is the funniest joke ever, you know what you have to do....

 

I'm sorely tempted! :lol:

My mate's wife left him at the weekend. She said she was going out for a pint of milk and hasn't been seen since.

I asked him how he was coping. "Not bad", he said, "I've been using that powdered stuff".

 

Love this one :lol:

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Contrary to popular belief, it has emerged today that there is someone at Portsmouth FC who could, in fact, score in a brothel.

 

 

Wayne Bridge:

"Cappello, Its either me or John"

Good one Wayne, the last time someone had the option to choose between you and John Terry it really worked in your favour.

 

 

It has been scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/8 inches.

Apparently it doesn't matter if it's a Visa or Mastercard, as they are both just as effective.

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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

 

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

 

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

 

1) Wrap it in bacon.

 

 

 

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English Language Quirks

I thought this might be up your alley

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10) I did not objectto the object.

 

11) The insurance was invalidfor the invalid.

 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language!

 

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

 

English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France .

 

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

 

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 

English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.

 

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

Edited by Kell
reduced font size

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Husband and wife went to a museum, as they were looking around they came to a painting of a naked lady with a fig leaf. After looking at the painting the wife moved on. An hour later she came back to find her husband still looking at the painting "What are you waiting for?" she asked "For autumn to come" he relpyed.

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Portsmouth; The only club where they encourage you to throw coins at the players.

Portsmouth Chief Executive Peter Storrie meets with Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs about the clubs outstanding Tax Bill.

The Officer tells him - I am going to let you off with the

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In a recent poll it has been found that six out of seven dwarves aren't Happy.

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In a recent poll it has been found that six out of seven dwarves aren't Happy.

 

:roll: That took me a minute. Good one, Raven!

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Went out to buy 6 cans of Sprite the other day...

I accidentally picked 7 Up..

 

I just read the headline "David Cameron attacks Gordon Brown on expenses."

Is there nothing they wont claim for?

 

Sometimes it seems i spend half my life just breathing in.

 

 

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Anyone know why the Germans have objected to one of their World Cup games kicking off at 19.45?

 

I'm having rabbit for dinner tomorrow.

Can anyone tell me which is cheaper, the butcher's or the pet shop?

 

For an easy adrenaline rush, try eating After-Eight mints at around half past seven.

 

How do Geordies listen to music?

On a Why iPod

A dog jumps into a river a starts drowning, A passing German jumps in to the river, grabs the lifeless dog and swims back to shore, where he begins to give the dog mouth to mouth. After the dog is revived, the happy dog owner asks him "Vet??" to which the German replies "No, i'm soaking"

 

 

 

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