poppy Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I don't for a minute think this is true, but thought it was very funny just the same. These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? A:Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do... __________________________________________________ Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kylie Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I recognise these questions from a news article I once read. They are real questions that have been asked by tourists, but I'm sure the tourism staff would never be so unprofessional as to answer the questions that way! Still funny though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Hilarious! I especially love the "drop bears" and the map of Oz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pickle Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Thats brilliant I love these kinds of things Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Love it! Ian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Tuesday nights at Kings Cross sound like fun ~ Hippo racing and The Vienna Boys Choir! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleW Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 And don't forget the naked tourists there... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weave Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 :giggle: :giggle: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) This really isn't Aussie humour but I didn't know where to post it. anyhow, it has a little humour to it. PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy pleaded, explained, and insisted, the man finally agreed to go with the boy and hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord... Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done... They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him . Edited October 6, 2012 by muggle not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wordsgood Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 Okay, I've asked some dumb questions in my time, but I feel like a positive genius compared to those tourists! LIke the cemetary one too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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