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    • Hayley

      Something Wicked This Way Comes...   10/09/2019

      The Autumn Supporter Giveaway!       Welcome to the very first of the seasonal BCF supporter giveaways! This month also marks one year since I took on the forum, so I want to say an extra huge thank you to all of you for keeping this place going. I have a little bit more to say about that later but, for now, let's get to the giveaway!     The Autumn Giveaway winner will be getting two Penguin Little Black Classics, The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe and To Be Read At Dusk by Charles Dickens. Both of these little books contain three atmospheric short stories, perfect for autumnal evenings. The winner will also get Mary Shelley tea (a lavender and vanilla black tea) from Rosie Lea Tea's Literary Tea Collection (https://www.rosieleatea.co.uk/collections/literary-tea-collection) and a chocolate skull, to really get that spooky atmosphere .   and...   A special treat for a special month. The winner will choose one of the following recent paperback releases from the independent bookshop Big Green Bookshop:       The Wych Elm by Tana French A House of Ghosts by W.C. Ryan Melmoth by Sarah Perry The Familiars by Stacey Halls  The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Kiersten White   The winner will be chosen via the usual random selection process in one week. Patreon supporters are entered automatically. If you aren't a patreon supporter but you'd like to join in with this giveaway, you can support here: https://www.patreon.com/bookclubforum.   I really hope you're all going to like this introduction to the seasonal giveaways. It's been a lot of fun to put together. Other chocolate skulls may have been harmed during the selection process…     
Stiggy

Finish the thought, game (join in)

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the way they lambasted the government on it's cigarette price increases

The paper ran headlines "Up in smoke!! Your good English fags surcharged by Eurocrats". In the article, Melvin Mildew wrote that "Smoking is healthy. It never caused my Aunt Genevieve a minute of coughing and she....

Edited by itsmeagain

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lived to the ripe old age of fifty, with never a day's sickness in her life bar a touch of emphysema!"

'He's the cowboy that works for Norflip and Chance Driving School. You only have to ring and ask his full name. They're right about no flippin' chance of ever passing your licence unless you've got a thousand quid in readies for a back hander!'

'Take that down, Cath,' said Paul, 'We'll check out your story, Gilbert, you don't mind me calling you Gilbert, do you? And if there's any truth in it, we'll pay you a handsome remuneration.'

'About how ...

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much?" , asked Gilby, suddenly inquisitive.

"Up to 2 grand my old mush" , said Paul , "I mean that gable end of yours is about to collapse pal so if I were you I would fire away and keep the story fresh. You need..."

"I ..am Mr Supermarket..millionaire..and Barney is called Goodtowomen..that's it..Goodtowomen...is that ok?"

Cath Killtheurge was now on with the job in hand with a passion. She was now.....

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looking at Gilby in an entirely different way. 'I'll need to go into this in some depth, Mr Supermarket,' she said, fluttering her eyes under her thick glasses, giving her the look of a nervous googly eyed goldfish. 'How about dinner at mine tonight at 8?'

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"Yes definitely. But first go round to Norfolk and

Chance...."

"I beg your...what is the company? I thought you were swearing"

said Paul.

Gilby coughed , and with a look of disdain, went on ."Yes Barney Godbewithin he's your man.

Offered me the chance of a fake driving licence for 700 quid."

"Oh you've been through so much Gilbert. I am off to confront Goodbyewomen immediately" said Cath enthusiastically.

Edited by itsmeagain

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and with a sympathetic pat to his shoulder and a look that was meant to be understanding but came across as cross-eyed and possibly pie-eyed, she briskly shot off in the car. Unfortunately, she forgot all about Paul who was left behind waving frantically and shouting ...

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"Cath what the hell.."

Then Gilby took Muffle and Paul into a large spacious drawing room.

"Vodka?" asked Gilby, a supercilious smile disdainfully.....

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crossing his face whilst simultaneously looking down his nose. This was suggestive to any onlooker that he may have some kind of blockage in the bowel department.

'Never touch the stuff, got a beer mate?' asked Paul.

'Destructable may have left some, he's into that kind of working class thing, one moment I'll take a look.'

Gilby left the room, followed closely by Muffle, giving Paul the chance to ...

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ring Carl Puck , 43, senior reporter and general Muppet.

"You'll never guess...old bluestocking has gone and arranged a date with this very ordinary looking millionaire called Supermarket. Hahahahaha..."

"Oh..is he the Muppet who got chucked into the water by an ex? I heard of it in a pub a few weeks ago....

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ring Carl Puck , 43, senior reporter and general Muppet.

"You'll never guess...old bluestocking has gone and arranged a date with this very ordinary looking millionaire called Supermarket. Hahahahaha..."

"Oh..is he the Muppet who got chucked into the water by an ex? I heard of it in a pub a few weeks ago....

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Rosetta Fromm, the roving Daily Blabber reporter, was telling me all about it. Imagine the reaction when Cath finds out old Supermarket was dating her arch enemy and rival! Could be a story in it, do you think?'

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Just as Paul was guffawing "Supermarket..what a disgusting name..." Gilby returned to the room carrying six deeply frozen cans of lager and a plastic cup.

"Well my mate, thank you" said Paul, attempting....

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to cover up his faux pas. 'Just saying what a disgusting name Fromm is for a surname. From where?? Bahahahaha.'

Gilby's ears perked up, 'Fromm? Fromm? Who do you know by the name of Fromm?'

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"Oh my next cousin, thrice removed on my mum's side, Archie, he knew Edgar Fromm the

famed London 18th century pub crawler and purveyor of .....

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fine gourmet  pheasant sandwiches.'

'You haven't ever come across a ROSETTA Fromm, in your travels have you?' Gilby gave Paul a hard suspicious look.

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"Err...nope. Not a name ringing any bells here.
Ahem.
Barney offered you seven hundred smackeroons for a driving licence.."
"No he wanted me to pay him...you see he's a conman and.....

Edited by itsmeagain

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a rogue. He's got an illicit license scam going and I intend to blow his cover wide open! I can't stand crooked dealers and the local cops are no better, they're in on it too!'

'Really? Well, well, well Gilbert, quite a little scoop you've got there. How much are you wantng for all the details?'

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"A good few k if you will. One can't count one's

chickens without money you know."

"So....tell me....how about you go back to Getsomewomen and get him on tape saying all this. Then the police will swoop."

"Oh grand idea great stuff."

Gilby was alarmed by the doorbell ringing.

"Am Darren moit, come to repair your leaks n whatnot. A modest fee to recompense..."

Shaken not stirred, Gilby went quickly to the door.

"You were out codger you was..when I called before..driving lesson or sumfing.", said Darren in a self effacing manner.

"Have you a..

Edited by itsmeagain

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cuppa going, moit? Dry as a wooden dog, me!'

Gilbert rolled his eyes, 'Anybody would think I was the serving wench! Beers, cups of tea! Can I get you anything else while I'm at it? A slice of sponge? Some cucumber sandwiches? Fry you a chop maybe!!'

Darren ignored the sarcasm. 'What you want is a maid, moit. Me niece Burfa is looking for a job, good girl, hard worker 'n all.'

'Burpa? What kind of a name is that?'

'No moit, Burfa, B.E.R.T.Haitch.A. Shall oi giver a tinkle?'

Edited by poppy

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As he said that, in the corner of the room Paul tried to open a can of deep frozen lager...cheap Dutch stuff judging by the label which said De Craap , made in Rotterdam.

Paul wondered why and how the cans had got a post it note inscribed with V  Dessicate 2014.

Beer was beer though.

As the can flip broke , a spurt of steaming ice shot out, followed by a volcanic eruption of icy lager, which hit every wall in the once so proud , beautiful room.

Paul sucked 50 per cent of the icy mess off the table using a nearby straw.

"Oi moit, super entertoinment.

Got any more beer pal?", asked Darren, in a.....

Edited by itsmeagain

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chirpy kind of way.

'I'm not employing you to sit round drinking beer, go and fix my plumbing! If you do a good job I'll consider hiring your niece, but you need to prove she doesn't come from a long line of layabouts! Hop it!'

Darren tugged his forelock with a cheery grin, picked up his toolbag and headed for the bathroom. Resounding clangs and bangs, rattles and gurgles could soon be heard. Gilby relaxed, he hated to think his hard-earned money was being wasted. All those years of greasing up to Uncle had been a tough grind.

Turning his attention back to Paul and trying to make himself heard above the racket coming from upstairs, he said ...

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"And now. Are you going to actually do something about Mr Goodforwomen ? I see that Kat went to do her bit but all you do is sit here flooding my house with frozen beer. The door is that way."

"We will investi..."

Cath's car drove in.Out she got , whooping with joy.

"Gilby!!Police arrested Mr Gonewoman. They believe you and he is now in custody."

"What time is dinner at yours?" asked Gilby.

"I shall collect you at 8 o'clock. Prawn souffle followed by beef bourgignon rounded off with cheese and biscuits polished off with a dessert...me !!"

Overjoyed at getting some sugar at last, Gilby kissed her, his.....

Edited by itsmeagain

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luck seemed to be finally perking up. Visit from Eleanor, arrest of Goodfornothing, plumbing in working order again, a housemaid on the horizon and now a date with a lady who genuinely seemed to want to please him. He allowed himself a smirk of satisfaction.

'You better cough up, Paul, now that my story's proved true.'

'I'll ...

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give you 4 thousand for it."

"OK.Now if you all want to leave me and Darren to sort out the plumbing..."

"OK moit nuffing wrong wiv a bit of

inspection,oi always soi" declared Darren.Cath said

Edited by itsmeagain

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'Well, what did you find, man??'

Gilby looked at her in admiration. He loved an assertive woman. Those horn rimmed glasses! Those brogues! He dragged his eyes off her reluctantly and tried to concentrate on what Darren was saying.

 

'Well it's like this 'ere, moit, yer've got a cross threaded crox nut on yer ballcock and some idjit 'as realigned the closet flange! The baffle's collapsed in the 'eader tank and there's a stress fracture in the pressure reducing valve. It could all blow any minute! To put it in a nutshell, as we say in the trade, yer've got a bit of a problem, moit, and 'ave you got yer chequebook 'andy?

Edited by poppy

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