Jump to content

Funny story & Joke Corner


Recommended Posts

A lady gets pulled over for speeding ...

 

 

 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

 

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding .

 

Woman: Oh, I see.

 

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

 

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

 

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .

 

Woman: I can't do that.

 

Officer: Why not?

 

Woman: I stole this car.

 

Officer: Stole it?

 

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

 

Officer: You what?

 

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

 

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

 

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

 

Woman: Murdered the owner?

 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

 

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding , too!!!!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert.

 

She sees a Captain in the French Foreign Legion pulling and tugging on a camel, but the camel won't budge.The woman stops and says, "Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?"

 

The legionarie tells her the camel won't budge but she's welcome to try. The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW... smashes the camel's testicles with the bricks. The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.

 

 

The captain drops his pants and says, "Great! Do me next, I've got to catch that son of a bitch!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

 

BREAKFAST

1 Grapefruit

1 slice Wholemeal toast

1 cup skimmed milk

 

LUNCH

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 biscuit

 

AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the biscuits from the packet

1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

 

DINNER

4 bottles of wine (red or white)

2 loaves garlic bread

1 family size Supreme pizza

3 chocolate bars

 

LATE NIGHT SNACK

1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

 

REMEMBER :

'Stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

 

Finally, here's some advice for you:

 

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

 

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and

Valum scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a bax a cholates... (hic!)

 

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel. :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Subject: A.A.A.D.D.

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better now, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox

When I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,

And see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,

So I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,

But first I need to push the Coke aside

So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,

And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

A vase of flowers on the counter

Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and

Discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

And I'll try to get some help for it,

But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.

Tell this to everyone you know

Because I can't remember who I've told yet! :lol:

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Superball Fever

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in

the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear

Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows

off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and

makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the

empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is

anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again

inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right

mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?" The man

replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come

with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't

been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone

to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
:yes: I'd pay good money to see that!! :D

 

And then's there's my motorbike riding, but we're not going to mention that again are we Charm?:):D

 

Oil change instructions for women:

 

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

 

2) Drink a cup of coffee. Read free newspaper.

 

3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 

Money spent:

Oil Change $40.00

Coffee $2.00

Total $42.00

 

Oil change instructions for men:

 

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.

 

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $20, Drive home.

 

3) Open a beer and drink it.

 

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

 

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

 

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

 

7) Place drain pan under engine.

 

8) Look for 9/16-box end wrench

 

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

 

10) Unscrew drain plug.

 

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you.

 

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

 

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

 

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

 

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

 

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

 

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

 

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

 

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

 

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

 

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

 

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

 

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

 

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

 

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

 

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

 

27) Drink beer.

 

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid

Edited by poppy
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guy wants to buy a jeep so badly. Finally, after having made savings, he buys it. He parks it in front of his house. At night, a drunk man approaches, sees it and exclaims: "Wow!...jeep...BMW". He scratches on it:4X4. Next morning, the owner sees it. Shocked, he takes the car for repairing. At night, the drunk comes again. The situation continues for some days, until the service tells him: "Dude, we can't fix your car every day. Why don't you stick a ticket writing 4X4? This way, he won't scratch it again". Thinking that its a good idea he does it. Then, at night, comes the drunk once more. He exclaims "Wow!....jeep..BMW" and reads the ticket:4X4. He then writes: =16

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...