poppy Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 PC Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes. (Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest radjack Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 - How to IMPRESS a MAN - Show up naked. Bring beer. And Books:readingtwo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 First Date If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! Many of us have had bad dates, but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun, the skiing great, the coffee hot. The day was uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and, to top it off, they were in the middle of nowhere! Her companion recognized her discomfort, and suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained f rom peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, shesoon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender! Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her bottom off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' 'Did you ever see the young man again?' asked Mr. Leno. ' I married him' came the reply, 'he's sitting right next to me!' :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceinwenn Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Charm, that's hilarious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I thought so too. A friend sent it to me by email and I could hardly finish reading it cause the tears were tripping me, I was laughing so much!! :lol: I can just picture it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I could hardly see the screen for the tears of laughter! Even Dale laughed at that one and he's a tough audience! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I could hardly see the screen for the tears of laughter! Even Dale laughed at that one and he's a tough audience! You should have seen the state of me trying to read it out loud to my OH!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nollaig Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Its hilarious, but its also really sweet that they ended up married! I guess thats the kinda thing that'll show how suited you are for someone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceinwenn Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls. The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.' Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.' They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 :lol: Funny how the old man managed to get a move on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nollaig Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 LMAO!! Oh that made me laugh. Never heard that one before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Thats brillient :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Lmfao! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 A wee silly one: A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.' 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexiepiper Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Ahh that had me howling with laughter BF groaned though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BookBee8 Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Haha! Aww, I found that really cute! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elianna Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Sunday Class Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" ___________________ http://reseller.name Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 What a lovely little story made me giggle at the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nollaig Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Heard that years ago. Pretty funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andaira Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Thanks for that, elianna; always good to have a laugh first thing in the morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexiepiper Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 That's very good, not heard it before Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BookBee8 Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Sunday Class Not heard that one before. Hehe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leah86 Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband laughed! The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. . When they got home They found the POSTMAN dead in the porch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BookBee8 Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Oh dear! I wasn't expecting that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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