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Duck hunting

'I'm not sure about this duck hunting,' said Murphy. 'We've been here six hours and we still haven't caught one.'

'Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough,' suggested Paddy.

The same pair, some weeks later, had been told the error of their ways and returned fully equipped with shotguns, binoculars - in fact the whole shebang.

As they lay in the reeds giving blasts on the decoy duck quackers, they suddenly spotted an object in the sky above.

It was a Japanese tourist taking advantage of the windy conditions to do a little hang-gliding.

Both Irishmen opened fire simultaneously, riddling the sails with shot, causing the whole contraption to fall to earth, the passenger falling free and disappearing into the river.

'Did we kill that bird?' asked Murphy.

'I don't know,' said Paddy. 'But at least we got it to drop the poor Japanese fella!' :)

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Two Irish men hire a boat and go out fishing in the Irish Sea. When they get about three miles from shore they drop anchor and over the next 5 hours each time they cast their lines they reel in a fish until the bottom of the boat is covered with fish.

"This is a grand spot for the fish Murphy" says Paddy

"Sure is", Murphy replies "Shall we come back tomorrow?"

"How will we be able to recognise the same spot Paddy?"

"We'll put a cross on the side of the boat Murphy"

"Don't be so daft Paddy we might not get the same boat tomorrow"

 

:)

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An elderley man is on his death bed. Although he can feel the end is near, his sences are suddenly aroused by a wonderful aroma. He realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite cakes. He finds the strengh to drag his tired body to the kitchen, and as his frail, withered hand reaches up to the table, he suddenly feels a whack of a wooden spoon, as his wife barks, "F*** off, they're for the funeral."

Edited by Vince
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Two men are out fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna
divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Edited by Michelle
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:woohoo: Kate and Mick sat in the field and unpacked the picnic hamper. Out came the sandwiches, cakes, vacuum flask, plates, cutlery.

During the whole unpacking procedure, Kate was troubled by an insect constantly buzzing around her face.

Despite many swipes of her hand, the little blighter would not be driven away.

'In the name of God, Mick,' she squealed, 'what is it, a bee?'

'No,' said Mick. 'It's a dum dum fly. They hang around the back end of cows.'

'What?' screamed Kate. 'Are you trying to say my face is like the back end of a cow?'

'No,' said Mick. 'But you'll have to convince that fly!' :)

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A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before

Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is

enough.

Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.

' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Do not do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother back, and we will both be there tomorrow.

Until then,don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,

'they're coming for Thanksgiving and they are paying their own way.'

Do not underestimate the older generations.

They may be crazy, like a fox. :-)

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

 

Some place expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....

 

 

 

And that's how the fight started...

 

************************************************** *******

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for

 

$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the

 

Beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

 

 

 

And that's how the fight started.

 

************************************************** ******************

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

 

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

 

License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

 

Wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go

 

Home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I

 

Opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on

 

Your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security

 

Application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my

 

Experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

 

Your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.

 

 

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

************************************************** ******************

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and

 

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

 

Nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my

 

Old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those

 

Many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!'

 

Says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

 

 

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

************************************************** ******************

 

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the

 

Road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said 'Well, then which one are you?'

 

 

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

************************************************** ******************

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

 

Order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said,

 

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

 

 

 

And that's how the fight started.....

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A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said ... "Babe, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

 

She turned to him and replied ... You have the biggest :) out of all your friends."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Husband to wife .. "We should start washing your knickers in Slimfast, might make your fat a*se thinner."

 

The next day he puts his boxers on and found they were covered in powder. He says to his wife, "Did you put talcum powder in my underpants?"

 

"Oh no," she replied, " Its Miracle Grow!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Bloke desparate for the loo in a Chicago hospital is told by the nurse to use the ladies restroom but NOT to touch any of the buttons on the wall.

 

Inside there were 4 buttons marked WW, WA, PP and a red one marked ATR. Curious, he pressed WW and was gently sprayed with warm water. He then pressed WA and warm air dried him. PP produced a powder puff so he then decided to finish with ATR.

 

He woke up in a hospital bed where the same nurse told him, "ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p*nis is under your pillow!"

Edited by Charm
Adding another one.
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A Quickie in the bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude

woman.

 

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

 

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a

hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

 

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the

shrubbery.

 

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

 

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care

to do it again?'

 

He asks her 'Shall we?'

 

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This

time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'

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At a quarter to midnight a Policeman on foot patrol sees a car parked with the interior light on in a dark lane.

 

He knocks on the car window and sees a young lad in the drivers seat and a girl in the rear, the lad is reading a magazine and the girl in the back is knitting.

"How old are you?" the copper asks the lad "17 sir" he replies.

 

The Pc looks at the girl and says "How old are you my girl"

 

She looks at her watch and says "In 15 minutes I will be 16"

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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'



She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

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A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.



He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

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It was a cold November afternoon in 1940 and the Home Guard were practising throwing Grenades up by Norwich way and Simple Johns mother had knitted him a pair of mittens to keep his hands warm. As John walked up to have a throw at the Grenade he pulled the pin but the grenade became tangled in his mitten.

 

Everyone ran away and hid up in the bunker knowing that the Grenade would kill master Wright and sure enough there was this big bang.

 

As the NCO ran up to John with the medics it was clear he had totally lost his right arm.

 

On giving medical attention John came round and said. "Blust my mum will be rum annoyed with me" She took three weeks to knit those blimmin gloves"

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Helmut Hidemeuke was a German POW and was assigned to tend the Gardens of the Great Hall in Suffolk. He was an attentive careful gardener growing and harvesting fruit and vegetables for the great house.

 

During the Autumn of 1944 he spent two days carefully planting crocus bulbs on the large lawn in the front of the house.

 

"Thas nice" the housekeeper thought as she stood on the balcony overlooking his work. "Theys be sum pretty when thets cum up" she said to the admiring Lady of the house. "I think we will ask him to stay when the war is over he is such a gentle being" said the lady.

 

In the spring of 1945 they bloomed and the flowers spelt.

 

"Heil Hitler"

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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?

"Under the wagon!"

Edited by Michelle
changed back to normal sized text
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Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

A man will pay

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Three guys, one Navy, one Royal Marine and one Para are taking the test to join the SAS. They have all passed the mental and physical sections and are down to the final interview.



Guy from the Navy walks in to be confronted by the SAS Head Shed who gives him a gun and says, "There are 6 bullets in that, your wife is upstairs, go up and kill her".

The guy disappears but comes back 2 minutes later to say,

"Sorry I really want to be in the SAS but she's my wife and I love her"

"Sorry" says Head Shed,"But if you can't take orders, we don't want you"

Royal Marine walks in and the same thing happens, he gets the gun and is told to go upstairs and kill his wife, but also can't do it, so is told to leave.

The Para walks in and is given the gun. Off he goes and suddenly 6 shots ring out from upstairs, followed by an almighty commotion, and 10 minutes later he walks back into the room drenched in sweat.

He looks at the Head Shed and chucks the gun at him saying, "You b*****d, they were blanks, I had to strangle the bitch!!!"

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A lady in a jewellers accidently breaks wind bending over looking at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks around embarrassed and sees the salesman standing behind her.

Totally professionally, he says to her, " Good day Madam, may I help you?"

Hoping he hadn't heard her fart, she asks, "Sir, how much is this gorgeous ring?"

He replied, "Well Madam, if you farted just looking at it you're gonna s**t yourself when I tell you the price."

:lol::giggle::lol:

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The beer drinker's prayer

 

Our beer

Which art in bottles

Hallowed by thy sport

Thy will be drunk I will be drunk

At home as it is in the pub

Give us each day our daily schooners

And forgive us our spillage

As we forgive those who spillest against us

And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting

And deliver us from Tequila

For mine is the bitter

The talent and the footy

Forever and ever

Barmen.

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Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"



The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say....... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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