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bev

Funny story & Joke Corner

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This is the time of year geese migrate.

 

Yes, I've seen them flying overhead in V formations.

 

Ever notice that one side of the V is always longer than the other?

 

I have.

 

Do you know why?

 

Why?

 

Because there are more geese on that side

 

 

 

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Deathbed Wishes:
Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed
and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and
Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon
Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive
holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs.
Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have
accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The ******* had a newspaper route.”

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Blonde Joke :)

 

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what is it and what's it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately goes out and buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Chicken noodle soup and ice cream."
 

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..

A drunk staggers out of a bar in Havana and hails a cab.

 

The cabby tells the drunk he's off duty;

 

The drunk says he's a doorman for the American tourist hotel and gets paid in $US

 

The cabdriver says, "Get right in, sir"

 

They arrive at the man's house and the drunk's passed out so the cabby gets the wife.

 

They cabby asks to be paid in $US

 

The wife says, He told you he is a doorman at the American Hotel? It's delusions of grandeur. He's really only a neurosurgeon." 

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With all the other things in this world to think about, here are a few that perhaps hadn't crossed your mind.

Think about these:

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? and why isn't "m" called "double n"

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

- The word "SWIMS" upside-down is still "SWIMS".

- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead. (sorry, may Stephen R.I.P.)

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

- If 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

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8 hours ago, muggle not said:

With all the other things in this world to think about, here are a few that perhaps hadn't crossed your mind.

Think about these:

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? and why isn't "m" called "double n"

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

- The word "SWIMS" upside-down is still "SWIMS".

- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead. (sorry, may Stephen R.I.P.)

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

- If 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

 

Gives you pause for thought, don't it? :lol:

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9 hours ago, muggle not said:

With all the other things in this world to think about, here are a few that perhaps hadn't crossed your mind.

 

Wow, some of those are quite a bit of food for thought :)!

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Two brothers, age 7 and 5, were talking. The older one said, "let's use cuss words when we go for breakfast. I'll use one and you use one." The younger lad agreed.
 

So the went down for breakfast the next morning and the mother turned to the older lad and asked, "What do you want for breakfast? Eggs? Or Cheerios?"
The older boy said, " Aw hell Mom, I'll have Cheerios."
 

Next thing he knew he got cuffed alongside the head and yanked to his feet. His mother told him to go to his room and as he walked up the stairs she had removed her slipper and was swatting him with each step he took. She directed him to his bedroom, saying "you stay there until I tell you you can come out" then slammed the door.
 

She went back to the kitchen and said to the younger lad, "Now sonny, what would you like for breakfast?"
The boy looked up and said, "Well, you can bet your ass I don't want Cheerios."

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Just a little funny :)

 

A widow of 104 years of age was interviewed by the local paper about her longevity. The interviewer asked about her husband and the widow said she had been married four times.

She explained her first husband was a banker.

Her second husband was the ringmaster for the Ringing Bros. Circus.

Her third husband owned an assisted living care facility.

Her fourth husband was a funeral director.


The interviewer was taken aback and asked how strange it worked out in that order to which she replied; "not strange at all. It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what is in the pills the Vet gave him, but they taste little like peppermint.
 

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Sometimes we Seniors don't Understand Directions…


I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. 
 

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his

tongue and swilled it around.
 
 Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?" 
 
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
 
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!" 
 

I am not allowed to go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

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40 minutes ago, muggle not said:

Sometimes we Seniors don't Understand Directions…


I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. 
 

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his

tongue and swilled it around.
 
 Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?" 
 
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
 
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!" 
 

I am not allowed to go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

 

:giggle2:

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A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car 


Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. 

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of  
our days." 

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" 

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then  she handed the bottle to the man. 

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank almost half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" 

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police." 


Some years ago Adam ate the apple.  

Men will never learn.

 

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18 hours ago, muggle not said:

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car 


Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. 

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of  
our days." 

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" 

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then  she handed the bottle to the man. 

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank almost half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" 

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police." 


Some years ago Adam ate the apple.  

Men will never learn.

 

 

Sneaky!! :lol:

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