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Funny story & Joke Corner


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I went to a fancy dress competition before dressed as Winston Churchill. I thought my costume was great, I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I'd won, they said I was close, but no cigar.

 

Alcohol is never the answer......

Unless the question is, "What is C2H5OH?"

 

I had my boating test today.

Sailed through it.

 

People keep throwing Tequila Slammers at me.

I take it with a pinch of salt.

 

My wife said to me "If you suddenly had 1 million pounds in your pocket, what would be the first thing you'd buy?"

I said "A pair of jeans with smaller pockets".

 

Apparently, Ashley Cole was faced with an intruder at his Surrey home this morning.

Reports say he came face-to-face with the man and said "Sorry, John. She's in LA."

 

What have Liverpool and Home and Away got in common?

They weren't good enough for ITV so they're on Channel 5 instead.

 

 

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While visiting an old and spooky country house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.

To reassure her, the guide informed her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.

"And how long have you worked here?" asked the woman.

"Three hundred years."

 

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?

Swarm

 

 

 

 

 

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristians home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

 

I said to the wife " if I put slimfast in your knickers, will it make your bum slimmer?". Next day I woke up and noticed that my boxer shorts had powder in them. I said to my wife " have you put talc in my boxers?" , she replied "no, its miracle grow"

 

 

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Sometimes when my internet is down, I forget that the rest of my computer still works.

 

Dilemma.

Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

 

William shakespeare is an anagram for "I am a weakish speller"

 

At a recent Man Utd - Man City derby, Sir Alex Ferguson goes into the Man Utd changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.

 

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only City and we can't be bothered, we always beat them."

 

Fergie looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

 

So Fergie goes out to play for the Reds by himself and the rest of the United team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Manchester United 1 - Manchester City 0 (Ferguson 10 minutes)." He is beating City all by himself!

 

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from Old Trafford: Manchester United 1 (Ferguson 10 minutes) - Manchester City 1 (Ireland 89 minutes)."

 

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly gotten a draw!! They rush back to Old Trafford to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. He says, "I've let you down, I've let you down."

 

"Don't be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" Giggs says.

 

To which Fergie replies: "No, No, I have, I've let you down

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm so Indie, I liked the River Thames before it was main stream.

 

 

I woke up this morning to the sound of birds tweeting...

 

...wonder where they got the laptops from

 

 

 

A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid...

 

So tonight I'm gonna party like it's

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A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

 

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

 

"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

 

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for offering to feed us."

 

The rich man replied, "No problem at all - the grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

 

 

 

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absoute mystery as to why though?

 

The plot thickens...

 

 

 

A teacher spotted little Johnny drawing pictures.

She asks, "What are you drawing?"

"I'm drawing God." little Johnny replies.

The teacher paused and then says, "But nobody knows what he looks like."

"They will in a minute." he replies.

 

 

 

Land Line users:

 

Save

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Poor old John Prescott is terribly upset that the public view him as an unsophisticated northern oik, so he talks to his mate Tony to seek some advice.

 

"Tony," he says. "I'm terribly upset that the public view me as an unsophisticated northern oik. What can I do?"

 

"Well," says Tony (for it is he). "You could try getting some culture down you once in a while..."

 

"That's all very well, Tone, " says Prezzer. "But how in the name of Zeus's beard do I do this?"

 

"Take in a ballet or an opera or something, you know?!?" Tony shakes his head.

 

"I would," speaks John. "But I'd choose the wrong thing, the press would find out and I'll be pilloried again!" Poor John's face creases in anguish as he gnashes his teeth.

 

"Look," says Tony in an attempt to mollify his oafish friend. "Go to Covent Garden. Join the box office queue. There'll be a well-dressed couple in front of you. Simply order what they order and Bob's your Uncle!"

 

"He is," sniffs John. "He really is!"

 

So off he toddles in one of his Jags down to Covent Garden and, sure enough, standing in front of him in the box office queue is a wonderfully well-attired couple. The gentleman reaches the kiosk and says: "Two tickets for Romeo and Juliet, please."

 

"Brilliant!" Thinks good old John and when he arrives at the kiosk himself he says:

 

"Two tickets for John and Pauline, please."

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If you want to help with the restoration of the church....

 

Give us a bell.

 

 

 

what do you call a woman who drives an ambulance?

Nina.

 

 

 

My Mum always said that my brother and I were like two peas in a pod.

Disappointing

 

 

 

I can understand that people go through a lot of emotional stress when a family member passes away, but I don't think they should take it out on me, especially if I'm trying my best to help.

 

I turned up to the funeral on time, dressed as they asked, and all they did was cry and scream, "You've ruined the funeral!"

 

Plus, I had to help carry the heavy coffin, and that certainly was't easy dressed as a polar bear.

 

 

 

Dr Hibbert needs replacing.

They quite clearly all have severe jaundice.

 

 

 

 

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I heard on the news that David Beckham is going to miss the World Cup.

Can't he Sky+ it?

 

 

 

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her.

I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

 

 

 

I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

Pretty standard, got to the end and found there to be a twist in the tale.

 

 

 

 

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I asked the bloke at the garage how much I owed him for a new tyre he fitted for me today.

 

He said, "Just give me a score mate".

 

So I replied, "Man Utd won 3-0 at the weekend". And drove off.

 

 

 

Is there a self-help group for shoplifters?

 

 

 

I've invented an anti-gravity device that allows the tip of a snooker cue to hover at any height above the table.

 

The rest is history.

 

 

 

David Beckham said he is devastated to have had his dream of going to the world cup this summer ended by injury and now fears his chance to be part of a world cup winning team is gone forever.

 

Shouldn't someone tell him that his dream died the day he was born in England?

 

 

 

 

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For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

CONCLUSION:

 

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

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