Stephanie2008 Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Love the last one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Two crackers were walking down the street, one was a salted. (assaulted, get it? tee hee) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 If Fed Ex and UPS merged would they become Fed Up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 2 buckets of sick walking down an alley and one of them starts crying "whats wrong" asks the other "I was brought up here" he replies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 2 blonds walked into a pub, the barman said ''Why are you so happy?'' and they said ''Because we completed a jigsaw in 6 weeks that said 2-3 years on the box'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Heard that before, classic. That is like the blonde trying to do a jigsaw of a tiger. The husband comes in and tells them to put the Frosties back in the box Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 I hadn't heard that one before (which is rare, I'm the only blonde in the family and they find great pleasure in sticking it to me!) Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? Because it said 'concentrate'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 My sister is blonde as well, she doesn't like the jokes especially since she is the only one in the family who went to college How do you know a blonde has been on your computer? Tipp Ex on the screen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ELQ Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 What do you call a policeman with blonde hair? A fair cop (sorry really cheesy - i know) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Cheese is always good A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash or check?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Sausage and a tomato in a frying pan. The sausage says "Boy it's hot in here" The tomato screams "ahhhh, a talking sausage" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ELQ Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Doctor, doctor, is it true that you can get pills to improve your memory? Of course you can, how many would you like? How many what? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 A red head and a blonde were walking down the street one day and the red head says 'Hey, look at that dead bird." The blonde looked up. "Where?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 A red head and a blonde were walking down the street one day and the red head says 'Hey, look at that dead bird." The blonde looked up. "Where?" Why did i giggle? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 Why did i giggle? Because I am the master of lame blonde jokes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 That must be it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I'm not clued up on TV celebs... But does anyone else think that Hurley from Eastenders and Heather from Lost are the same person? Internet virus warning : if you get an e mail titled " nude photo of Susan Boyle " do not open it . It contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle! Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. What do Iris Robinson and Ikea have in common? One wrong screw and the whole cabinet falls apart Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I love the last one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Last week the Head Librarian died. Out of respect today at 11.00 they will have two minutes noise. To the girl I was sitting opposite of on the central line this morning. Your eyes burnt into mine like the finest saphires and my heart melted at every seductive movement of your fabulous lips. I felt like we fell in love that journey and I would love to see you again. If you're not interested, your brunette mate was alright too. Never hold in your farts. They will travel up your spine and straight into your brain. This is where sh*t ideas come from. One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man? 'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 I've been balancing this large, black, flat disc on my head for 3 days now. I think it could be a record... A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. Etc. A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. I've just been to an interview for a job as a clown, The interviewer said that the last guy was good. It seems to me that I'll have some pretty big shoes to fill. Liverpool's ground staff were seen planting potatoes in the centre circle at Anfield today. A spokesman said it was so they had something to lift at the end of the season.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 something to lift at the end of the season :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage." So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm? Edited January 20, 2010 by CaliLily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) The economy is so bad that: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEOs are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear! Edited January 22, 2010 by BookJumper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I like the skiing story Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I'm in a heavy metal band. I play lead. My girlfriend kept going on and on about what she should use the empty drawer for. I told her to put a sock in it. At school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof. Hollywood Lessons: 1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. 4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. 8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. 14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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