Funny story & Joke Corner

[ned]

A man walks into a bookshop and says, "can I have a book by Shakespeare?"

 

"Of course, Sir, which one?"

 

The man replies, "William."

[AbielleRose]

A man walks into a bookshop and says, "can I have a book by Shakespeare?"

 

"Of course, Sir, which one?"

 

The man replies, "William."

 

 

Nice!

[ned]

Silly, but thats my sense of humour

[AbielleRose]

It's mine too, I like it.

 

Your jokes are all good, mine usually are the ones found on Laffy Taffy wrappers.

 

'What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?'

Art

 

'What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a body of water?'

Bob

 

'What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?'

Eileen

 

'What do you call a girl standing with one leg in a hole?'

Peg

 

'What do you call a cow with only 2 legs?'

Lean beef

 

'What do you call a cow with no legs?'

Ground beef

 

[ned]

'What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?'

Art

 

 

I like that one

 

 

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

 

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

 

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

KARL MARX

It was a historical inevitability.

 

SADDAM HUSSAIN

His was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

 

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

 

EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

 

LOUIS FARRAKHAN

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

 

THE BIBLE

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

 

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

[AbielleRose]

All great!

[BookJumper]

You seem to be missing a few there Ned, allow me ahem (personal favourites are prettily highlighted in pink):

Plato: For the greater good.

 

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, , DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

 

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

 

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while

believing these actions to be of its own free will.

 

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

 

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

 

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this

potential occurrence.

 

Albert Einstein (variation): Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed

the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

 

Aristotle (variation): To actualize its potential.

 

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

 

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt

such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

 

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

 

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

 

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

 

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

 

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it wanted to. That's the reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

 

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

 

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

 

The Sphinx: You tell me.

 

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

 

Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

 

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

 

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

 

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

 

Othello: Jealousy.

 

Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

 

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

 

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

 

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

 

Freud (alternative): An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)

 

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

 

Constable: To get a better view.

 

Aaaaand:

 

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Edited December 30, 2009 by BookJumper

[ned]

Hahaha excellent. Especially loved Darwin

[ned]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

 

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a

[Rawr]

What's white, furry and smells of mint?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A POLO BEAR HAHAHA great, right?... right??

 

[Stephanie2008]

Love it, corny cracker joke alert

[ned]

What's white, furry and smells of mint?

 

 

 

A POLO BEAR HAHAHA great, right?... right??

 

Oh dear

[Rawr]

It's the best joke in the world, i have held that belief since i was around 12 and found it in a newly snapped cracker.

[AbielleRose]

KIDS: AND THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

 

 

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."

Julio, age 9

 

"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods.

he tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just

couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the

first married gods.

Robbie, age 8

 

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

 

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has

freckles too."

Andrew, age 6

 

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do

with how you smell ...That's why perfume and deodorant are so

popular.

Mae, age 9

 

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

 

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

John, age 9

 

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't

want to do it. It takes too long."

Glenn, age 7

 

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

 

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your

family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."

Anita C., age 8

 

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like

anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

Brian, age 7

 

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

Christine, age 9

 

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

 

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is

pretty good too."

Greg, age 8

 

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

 

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their

tails nearly as much."

Arnold, age 10

 

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and

they don't get up for at least an hour."

Wendy, age 8

 

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit

together in the dark."

Sherm, age 8

 

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

 

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid

good money for them."

Gavin, age 8

 

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the

aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."

John, age 9

 

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

 

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs'

is on television."

Jill, age 6

 

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."

Floyd, age 9

 

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a

tree."

Carey, age 7

 

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've

been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep

finding me."

Dave, age 8

 

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard

enough."

Regina, age 10

 

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

 

"Sensitivity don't hurt."

Robbie, age 8

 

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you

have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

Ava, age 8

 

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

 

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

Del, age 6

 

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."

Camille, age 9

 

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't

worry if their parents are right there."

Manuel, age 8

 

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get

attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."

Alonzo, age 9

 

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something

she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."

Bart, age 9

[Kell]

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

 

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

John, age 9

 

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

 

"Sensitivity don't hurt."

Robbie, age 8

 

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you

have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

Ava, age 8

 

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

 

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get

attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."

Alonzo, age 9

 

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

 

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard

enough."

Regina, age 10

These kids are so smart!

[AbielleRose]

ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

(sorry, I know this is a bit long, but it's pretty true!)

 

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

 

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

 

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

 

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's OK

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

 

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

 

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

 

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

 

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

 

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

 

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

 

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won't it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

 

Finally, which rhymes with enough --

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!!!

 

-- Author Unknown

[Stephanie2008]

I love that Thanks for posting it as I've forwarded it to a few people

[AbielleRose]

Glad you liked it Stephanie, I couldn't resist posting it.

[ned]

Humpty Dumpty has been found dead.

Next of Kinder have been informed.

 

Wife just found out i swapped the bed for a trampoline.

She hit the roof

[ned]

Just watched that programme, 'When Sport Goes Bad'.

Oops. My mistake. It was Reading vs Liverpool live on ITV.

Last weekend, they held a minute's silence at the Emirates Stadium.

It blended in nicely with the other 89.

If my calculations are correct;

SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

 

Man Flu - The Facts...

 

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

 

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

 

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

 

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

 

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

 

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

 

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

 

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

 

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

 

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

 

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

 

[Chrissy]

Whenever I see that you have posted here ned I dread looking in here and simultaneously look forward to reading what you may have posted this time!

 

You are an enigma my dear ~ or at least your jokes are!

 

ETA I should also add that I frequently send them on too!

Edited January 2, 2010 by Chrissy

[Stephanie2008]

Just watched that programme, 'When Sport Goes Bad'.

Oops. My mistake. It was Reading vs Liverpool live on ITV.

 

 

Last weekend, they held a minute's silence at the Emirates Stadium.

It blended in nicely with the other 89.

 

 

If my calculations are correct;

SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

 

 

Love it! I love to see Liverpool not doing great (Sorry any fans!).

 

Ahh Slinky's. Every child should have one.

[ned]

Whenever I see that you have posted here ned I dread looking in here and simultaneously look forward to reading what you may have posted this time!

 

You are an enigma my dear ~ or at least your jokes are!

 

ETA I should also add that I frequently send them on too!

 

Thanks, i think

 

Love it! I love to see Liverpool not doing great (Sorry any fans!).

 

Ahh Slinky's. Every child should have one.

 

Everyone loves to see Liverpool doing badly, well except Liverpool fans.

And yes, every child should have a slinky.

[ned]

I went into a bookshop and asked for a book on anticlimaxes.

The lady couldn't have been more helpful, i bought the book and left the shop happy.

 

Isn't it great to run into old friends at the supermarket?

Especially at full speed with a trolley.

 

Never eat a parrot.

They repeat on you.

 

I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

 

I was so drunk when I got in last night that I picked a fight with a mop.

Wiped the floor with it

 

I came downstairs this morning to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a twelve-year-old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of scotch in the other.

The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me, son, but is your mum or dad in?"

To which the boy replies, "Does it look like it?"

Last year I left my Christmas shopping too late and ended up getting it all done at a petrol station on Christmas morning.

I thought the limited selection would leave me in the s**t but my 17-year-old daughter squealed with delight when she opened her ‘L’ plates and ran over to hug me.

I don’t know why she went out to look on the driveway though.

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

I told him, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

A blonde walks into a chemist and asks for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist explains to the woman that they don't sell it.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this chemist on a regular basis for years and would like some more.

"Do you have the container it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde and she hands it to him.

He looks at it and says, "this is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

 

My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn't find the words to thank them.

 

Edited January 5, 2010 by ned

[ned]

My wife told me I always speak like a computer geek.

I LOL'D.

"I bought some steroids, but they have some bad side effects. I've grown an extra penis"

"Anabolic?"

"No, just a penis"

A universal law of Men.

An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

My dog does a somersault everytime Chelsea score a goal.

Sometimes he does two somersaults, it depends how hard I kick him.

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only