chesilbeach Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 CaliLily - they were brilliant Cheered me up no end and great to start the day with a smile! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Glad you liked them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pipread Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Calilily, they were brilliant I was crying with laughter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 A friend sent that to me. I think it's so funny because lawyers have actually said those things! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimitra Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I 've seen these before, they're hilarious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her. "You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen." The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok," she said. "Turn all those dirty dishes into money." Instantly the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash. "My," said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and sexy again?" No sooner had she said it than she was much younger and very attractive. Excitedly she carried on "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?" The cat was promptly replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly, she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to have sex with you for the rest of the day and all night too!" The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice "You should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 Why didn't the Chicken cross the road? He saw what happened to the Zebra. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 Why didn't the Chicken cross the road? He saw what happened to the Zebra. I love that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 Finally That is such a corny joke as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 Yeah. I read the old lady one and did that then the chicken one really made me laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mexicola Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 It was about five minutes before I got the old lady/cat joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 This made me laugh My son is at Uni and he just sent me this email: D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 Oh, THAT is hilarious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 very clever Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 That's great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people. I said, "Look, Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 I am ROLLING on the floor over that last one - LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad. 2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up. 4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police. 14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. 16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you. 28) Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity. 29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. 34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go. 37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbielleRose Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 That was really good ned Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 For some reason 37 really made me laugh Love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Aw, Ned - you slay me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Everywhere he traveled, Mahatma Gandhi went barefoot. Eventually the soles of his feet became thickened and quite hard. Being a spiritual person, he ate very little and often fasted. As a result, he became quite thin and frail. Because he ate unusual foods, he also developed bad breath. That's why he became known as a super-callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me." "Good, Johnny. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied little Johnny. "Very good. What comes after five, Johnny?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered little Johnny. "Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked. "A Jack!" replied little Johnny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo; "Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses." I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again; "Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese." Nope, that still didn't sound right; "Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi." Ahh hmmm it I thought, "Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose. P.S. Send me another one." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 http://chucknorrisfacts.com/ This site always makes me laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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