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25 things only us men do:

 

1. Look in the tissue after blowing our nose.

2. Touch hot things, Just to see how hot it is.

3. Set off early, And arrive late.

4. Order food, And still keep looking at the menu.

5. Fart and be proud.

6. Beep at girls.

7. Dance to the toilet when out clubbing.

8. Call everyone mate.

9. Dance back from the toilet.

10. Put mobile phone in our front right pocket.

11. Check our phone for no reason.

12. Have a jar for loose change.

13. Hit snooze at least 3 times.

14. Moan about the weather, when inside.

15. Stub our toe, Then blame the thing we stubbed it on.

16. Say 'I love you too' Quietly.

17. Sit with our hands down our trousers, and fiddle.

18. Wear a t-shirt in winter, because we've been to the gym.

19. Call every woman darling.

20. Pee in the shower.

21. Fart in the bath.

22. Lie about our dreams.

23. Lose the house keys, at home.

24. Save a girls number, With a blokes name.

25. Look in the mirror, and tense our arms

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*** MAN RULES ***

 

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

 

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

 

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

 

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

 

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

 

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

 

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

 

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

 

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

 

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

 

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

 

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

 

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

 

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

 

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

 

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

 

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

 

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?"

 

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

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I took my girlfriend round to see my family today.

 

My wife went mental.

 

 

Here's a tip for you:

 

When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.

 

This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back.

 

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

 

I was heading into a pub the other night with a bag of chips when the guy on the door goes to me..."Sorry mate this is not a chip shop"...

I stood there for a minute and said "Why would I bring a bag of chips into a chip shop?"

 

 

When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

 

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

 

 

What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?

 

A polar bear.

 

 

Women's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet:

"Eeww! That's horrible; I must get cleaning equipment before I can use this."

 

Men's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet:

"Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"

 

 

One of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is this normal?

 

 

Why is Santa Claus always smiling?

 

Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

 

A bad workman blames his fools

 

EDIT: *tools

 

stupid keyboard.

 

 

 

My Mum always hides bad news from me. I only just found out about the death of Princess Diana.

 

Oh well. Seeing Michael Jackson at the O2 tonight should cheer me up.

 

 

 

My son came home from school looking all excited.

"I got a B on my reading test," he told me.

"That's a D," I replied.

 

 

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

 

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

 

 

I just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5.

 

It was a pi rated DVD.

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The school phoned me today and said, "your son's been telling lies"

 

I said, "well tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance.

 

By fleeing the scene of the accident.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

 

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The school phoned me today and said, "your son's been telling lies"

 

I said, "well tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance.

 

By fleeing the scene of the accident.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

 

Love the first one, and the last one is too true. :irked:

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A father called his son into the living room and asked him to sit down.

"Son, it's time i told you about the birds and the bees" he said

"No dad, i don't want to hear it" his son screamed as he covered his ears jumped up and ran out of the room

Later his father found him lying on his bed in a sulk and asked what was wrong

"Look" the boy explained "when i was 8 i got the "there's no tooth fairy" speech, when i was 9 it was the easter bunny speech and then last year you dropped the "there is no santa" bombshell. If you tell me now that grown ups don't really have sex then i will have nothing left to live for."

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

 

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

 

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

 

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

 

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

 

:D:lol::D

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had tough time to stay calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

______________________________ _____________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________ ______________

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________ ______

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

______________________________ _____________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you :D me?

______________________________ ___________

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: getting laid

______________________________ ______________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________ ______________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

 

______________________________ ______________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

______________________________ _______

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________ ________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

______________________________ ___________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________ ___________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

______________________________ ______________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________ ________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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