RCee Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 That's brilliant! I want to meet a man like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Haha, that joke about cleaning the house was brilliant! What a witty reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 (edited) A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her classroom. She came to the part in the story where the first little pig was trying to gather building materials for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"" The teacher paused and then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said,"I think the man would have said, "Well I'll be ******!!!! A talking pig!" The teacher had to leave the room. Edited June 17, 2009 by poppy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BookBee8 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 The last four jokes were all pretty good, hehe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Cow From Illinois The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Poppy, I nearly fell of my chair laughing at the Illinois cow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Poppy! Poor Vet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I love that joke! I have passed it onto a few people so they can too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,'They will in a minute.' A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,'Thou shall not kill.' One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead..' A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimera Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Love the 'white hair' one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 "Thou shalt not kill" - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Brilliant jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 I love them "God is watching the apples" is my favourite Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RCee Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 I love them "God is watching the apples" is my favourite Mine too, made me laugh out loud! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.' She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in and out came a card that read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 128lbs, and you are going to Chicago.' The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives thesamecard to everyone. the more she thoughtabout it the more curious she got, so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.' The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking,'This is incredible, I've got to try this again.' Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs , you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.' Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.' She went back to the machine, put in another nickeland another card came out. It read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and while you have been fiddling and farting around, you have missed your flight to Chicago!' -- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Chrissy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Nice one Chrissy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 God and the biker. A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Now THAT'S funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimitra Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 better build up a bridge, huh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Advice FOR MEN that could change your life forever! 1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF. 2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOUR WRIST AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN 'TRY' TO COUGH. 7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM. 9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. Daily thought FOR WOMEN: SOME MEN ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACEWHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 At the daily thought for women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frankie Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 Yesterday I remembered this linguistic joke I heard years ago and now have to come and share: - What's typical for Scots? - They roll their r's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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