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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

 

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

 

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

 

 

 

 

The entire congregation held its breath.

 

 

 

 

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum

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We went out for the day yesterday, I fell off this rock, it was hilarious :)

 

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^The 'big rock' I fell off :D

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Poppy! :)

 

Poor you Gyre! I hope you didn't hurt yourself! I'm always falling, its got to the stage where my OH has no sympathy anymore, he says that at my age I should know how to walk by now! :D

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A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the

final plateau. If she answered red the next question correctly, she would win

$1,000,000.. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000

milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no

pushover.

 

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest

but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

 

Is it:

 

A) the condor

:D the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

 

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up

her 50/50 Lifeline

and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her

Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it;

because........ Her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative.

 

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The

blonde responded unhesitatingly:

 

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

 

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered

employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her

friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would

seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such

confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be

convinced. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo'

 

'Is that your final answer?'

 

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

 

'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

 

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends,

including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Jeni, I

just do not know how to thank you', said the contestant. 'How did you

happen to know the right answer?'

 

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build

nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.

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:D Ceinwenn

 

I grazed my elbow, my pride hurt more than anything :tong:

 

And Charm, I am the same, my husband is so used to my cluminess :lol:

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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

 

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

 

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

 

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

 

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

 

 

 

The women won.

 

 

Edited by Kell
reduced font size a little as it was HUGE - LOL!
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Some great jokes there guys. Here's another:

 

Daffy duck, on a dirty weekend in a hotel, calls reception and asks for some condoms.

 

The receptionist asks "Shall I put them on your bill?"

 

"Don't be thuckin thupid" Daffy says. "I'd thuffocate."

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,

middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not

take her eyes off him.

 

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare

and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could

offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered

to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do,

no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition."

 

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.

 

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly

removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand

along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his

eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and

meaningfully said....

 

 

 

 

"Clean my house."

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