lexiepiper Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Johnathan Ross is the latest celeb to be caught shoplifting! The star who was caught stealing kitchen untensils was quoted as saying "It was a whisk I was willing to take" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucybird Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 oh dear... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexiepiper Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Hahah I know, it's terrible, blame the BF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Deary me!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceinwenn Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it. The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 Nice one Ceinwenn!! Here's another ... One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was just the cutest thing! My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know) Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexiepiper Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devil: Why are you so sad? Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell. Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay — you’re already dead. Guy: Golly! Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…? Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you’ll never die — you’re already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin’ place! Devil: You gay? Guy: No. Devil: Oh, you’re gonna hate Fridays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimitra Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 to all three above! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved footy all our lives, and we played on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's footy there.' Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.' 'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?' 'Mike--it's me, Joe.' 'You're not Joe. Joe just died.' 'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.' 'Joe! Where are you?' 'I'm in Heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.' 'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike. The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's footy in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Even better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play footy all we want, and we never get tired..' 'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?' 'You're in the team for Tuesday.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning... Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells: "For God's sake!! How many times do I have to go through this with you idiots??? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!" Courtesy of Poppy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucybird Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 that's much more realistic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Best Divorce Letter, ever! Dear wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlette Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 I've read that divorce letter joke, before, but it's no less hillarious the second time around! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 I love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimitra Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 :lol: very good!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucybird Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 that's great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 HMRC with a sense of humour This is reportedly a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing 'ladies of the night'" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking fa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Those last two were great Kell! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucybird Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 bechod Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimitra Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 :D the junior viewpoint of birth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leah86 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 So funny,I love the way kids think! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 What Do You Do All Day? A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today, I didn't do it.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Ah that's brilliant!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Kell and Charm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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