Funny story & Joke Corner

[muggle not]

[Chrissy]

@muggle not I groaned at both! The second one made my husband mutter, so was definitely worth showing him. 

[muggle not]

[itsmeagain]

On 5/17/2023 at 3:17 PM, muggle not said:

😂 

[muggle not]

[muggle not]

[muggle not]

Two men were in a boat that sank. only one got their hair wet. Why?

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One was Bald!

Edited September 30, 2023 by muggle not

[muggle not]

Bob Uecker was a catcher with Milwaukee Brewers, and later a broadcaster. I think you will like this short story.

Make sure your sound is on before clicking on the link.

[itsmeagain]

On 10/11/2023 at 11:19 PM, muggle not said:

Bob Uecker was a catcher with Milwaukee Brewers, and later a broadcaster. I think you will like this short story.

Make sure your sound is on before clicking on the link.

Lovely dry humour. 😃 😊 

[muggle not]

This is funny in the U.S.. Maybe not so much overseas.

 

[muggle not]

My teacher asked what my favorite animal was. I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. 

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. 

 

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her "Colonel Sanders." Guess where the hell I am now . . .

[muggle not]

A few little puns:

 

I just finished reading a book about the world's nicest basement. It is a best cellar.

It was my first week of working in a bicycle factory and already they made me a spokesman.

My laptop caught pneumonia. Turns out I left Windows open.

The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.

Didja ever notice how horses have few divorces? It's because they have stable relationships.

My teachers always told me I procrastinate and would never amount to much. I told them, just you wait!

90% of bald people still own a comb. They just can't part with it.

Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle. It's a vicious cycle!!

The word "incorrectly" is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer. Now I'm accused of trying to make a fast buck.

Yesterday morning I yelled into a colander and strained my voice.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line!!!

You can trust a nudist. They have nothing to hide.

[muggle not]

Wisdom from Grrampa:

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna 'work'."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.

Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

 

 

 

 

[muggle not]

[muggle not]

1. Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

2. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


3. Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hed idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


4. A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


5. A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


6. One more.. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Now , before you ' forget ', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!