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bev

Funny story & Joke Corner

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:D:lol: Found this on the internet and it made me chuckle. :P Thought there is alot of us on here who need cheering up, so maybe a joke or funny story thread would be a good idea. (clean ones only !!)

I hope I've put this in the right place.

Apparently this is a true story.

Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn

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Great idea Bev :17: Good story too :D

 

I have a joke instead of a story.

 

Mick and Paddy are in the Pub having a wee drink when Paddy brings out a goldfish bowl with two goldfish in it.

 

Mick says, "That's a grand pair of goldfish ye got there Paddy. Have ye named them yet?"

 

Paddy says, "As a matter of fact I have. This one's called One and this one's called Two."

 

"Them's strange names for a couple of fish," says Mick, "why did you call them that?" he asks.

 

Paddy replies, "Well if One dies, I've still got Two left."

 

:P

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Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

 

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

 

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

 

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

 

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

 

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

 

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

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A real silly one this..........

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertable.

 

He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit that hopped in front of his car.

 

As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over.

 

The man got out of the car and started crying "OH-MY-GOD... OH-MY-GOD!!!!"

 

Just then a blonde drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that."

 

She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.

 

It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally dissappearing into the forrest.

 

The guy is amazed and says, "how did you do that?"

 

The blonde just tosses him the can and drives off.

 

The can says "Hair Spray: Guarenteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

:17:

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:17: I think being Irish you can get away with Irish jokes charm !! :P

 

Excellent! Here's another -

 

IRISH BLONDE

 

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

 

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY ~

Not all Irish are stupid..

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men.

:D

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I like that one Charm! :17:

 

Some ones I saw today...

 

Q: What's the difference between a merchant banker and a pigeon?

A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari.

 

Q: What's the definition of optimism?

A: A banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday evening.

 

A man goes to the doctor.

"Doctor, doctor, I've got a lettuce growing in my ear! What's wrong with me?"

The doctor takes a look. "I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg."

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A little boy asks his dad where poo comes from? Dad explains food passes down the oesophagus, to the stomach where the digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein, before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as 'poo'.

 

Blimey says his little boy,

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:17:Mia's jokes - how topical!

 

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

 

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

 

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'

 

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.' :D

 

 

:P Paigeturner!

Edited by Charm

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:17: to you all.

 

Another topical one I read today:

 

Financial Crisis Reaches Japan

 

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of it's branches. Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is likely to go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While the Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

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I get three. What am I missing? :17:

Lots of folk miss the ones in "of"...

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

 

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

 

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

 

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

 

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

 

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

 

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

 

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

 

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

 

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

 

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

 

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

 

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

 

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

 

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

 

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

 

 

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

 

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

 

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

 

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

 

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

 

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

 

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

 

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

 

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

 

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

 

3) You are Santa Claus.

 

4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

 

 

SUCCESS:

 

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

 

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

 

At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.

 

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

 

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

 

At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.

 

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

 

At age 75 success is . . having friends.

 

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

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A young successful Texas rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's young widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her.

 

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said:

 

'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

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SUCCESS:

 

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

 

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

 

At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.

 

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

 

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

 

At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.

 

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

 

At age 75 success is . . having friends.

 

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 

:17: That's great. What goes around comes around hey? :P

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I get three. What am I missing? :17:

 

Poppy, I only found 3 as well. :P

 

Lots of folk miss the ones in "of"...

 

Oh yes! :D

 

Thanks Kell - that was bugging me!

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Bang on, Didn't think it would catch anyone out.:D

 

Yey! :17: I'm not as stupid as I look you know! :P

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TWO LADIES TALKING IN HEAVEN

 

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But, instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic

and searched,and down into the b asement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had

looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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