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itsmeagain

Continue the Story game 4,

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take matters into his own hands.

He rang the police.

'Hello my name is Billy Rhythmquick, and it's midnight in Salisbury. A weirdo is blowing smoke rings in our direction as he sits outside. It's my house, bought in 1989.

Coming to something when  a man can't go to sleep of a night without men smoking giant fags outside the front door...'

Police officer Will Youdoit , 32, was at the door by 4@m.

'Hello Mr Rhythmquick, are you awake?'

No answer, so he rattled the front door harder.

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Still no reply. He went round to the back door and thumping loudly, called out to the Rhythmquicks. Still nothing.  Much to his disappointment, there was no sign of any prowler lurking around and he was just about to call it a day and return to the warmth of the police station and a nice cup of hot horlicks when ...

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the bobby come to see about the prowler? Well you're a bit late, he left hours ago. But while you're 'ere, you may's well come in and I'll tell you about some suspicious goings on next door. I'll put the kettle on, you look like you could do with a nice cuppa. Bleedin' cold out. Wake up, our Billy! We got a copper comin' for a cuppa.'

Shortly the door opened for PC Youdoit and there stood Celia in full night-time regalia of hair-curlers, ...

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chiffon pink nightie and a hint of dirndl about her which the PC found rather engaging.

'Delightful tea , have you lived here long?', asked PC Youdoit, whose avid longing for custard creams had earned him the nickname of ' custard cream man',  which  name was legitimately his.

'Have you a custard cream? Can we watch the news?' , he  asked, insouciantly, 'I always said 4am will do me nicely for a break.'

Celia began to narrate about the Jelly family next door.

'My husband went round and told me it's a weird bonding game, she had him with ropes and....

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a pillow over his face and she was shouting, 'Die, you ...' well a very rude word, PC Youdoit, I don't like to repeat it really.'

'Just call me Willy, all my friends do. It sounds very suspicious, Celia ... may I call you Celia? Such a pretty name, always been one of my favourites. And I must say ...

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.....your curlers do give you a certain very attractive je ne sais quoi.   Actually your golden...'

'its blonde officer  Dontdoit, blonde. I think my husband is stirring.....'

'Your husband....well.....'

A diminutive bloke in a string vest , with unwashed mousy hair, and blue y fronts, and orange football socks, entered the room.

'Good God what's.....

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goin' on 'ere, Cel? I don't 'old with visitors of the male persuasion visiting me missus in the small hours and drinking tea and scoffing all me custard creams! Explain yourself or I'll give you a right thumpin'!'

'PC Will Youdoit at your service, sir,' said Will, holding out his hand to Billy.

'Will I do it? You bet I will! Put up your dukes, you rotter and I'll ...

 

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show you', and the farcical scene that presented itself even made our self flattering PC laugh. Bouncing in little bunny hops, fists up in front of his eyes, Billy failed to see his punch strike the ironing board, sending a pile of folded ironing straight to the floor.

Will laughed so much as the underpants clad duffer chased him gaily round the back of the settee. 'A quid them 3 packs of custard creams cost, not having the old Bill here snaffling my biscuits.'

'Who's going to win my affections?', asked a somewhat happy Celia,'after all it's....

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not every day two athletic males fight over me.'

'I'm not fighting over you, you silly old biddy! It's me custard creams I'm upset about!' puffed Billy.

The thought of Billy being considered even slightly athletic,  sent PC Youdoit into gales of laughter, leaving himself wide open to a chance blow from Billy's flailing right fist. He did a kind of pirouette, his eyes crossed in a most alarming manner and ...

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launched an attack he deliberately modelled on a road rage incident on YouTube. 

Leaning back, he raised his fist to ear level, and with a roar, launched himself towards Will Youdoit 's left eyebrow.

Laughing policeman 👮 Will, guffawed and ducked, rendering Billy a pile driving lump of skin and bones in underpants and vest, with orange football socks, gaily pirouetting his way head first, into the laundry basket.

Will rushed outside, as his radio was beeping.

'Officer Youdoit what is your location please?', came the staccato question.

Edited by itsmeagain

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'I'm at 47 Banger Lane, investigating a minor disturbance. About to report back to the station.'

'Please proceed to 59 Hoary Close, there's a suspected break-in.'

'Roger, coms, on my way.'

By this stage, Billy, with the help of Celia heaving and prodding, had managed to extricate himself from the laundry basket. Angry as a hornet's nest after an inquisitive anklebiter had given it a good stir with a stick, and draped with ...

 

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unspeakable items like unwashed undercrackers, Billy sighed, and went back to bed. 

Meanwhile,  Willy Wilberforce and Patricia were now alone, at last, on their wedding night. The Sausage Hotel, in Guff street, saw them happy and yet tired. Not

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for them a night of unbridled passion. The events of the day had taken their toll and they were instead relaxing contentedly in bed with hot cocoa, a packet of chocolate hobnobs and a TV marathon repeat of ...

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Neighbours, followed by Nothing to Declare New Zealand. Such was the drama on the TV that both of them were soon in the land of Nod.

At 8@m, the landline phone rang and

Edited by itsmeagain

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Debbie, Pat's catty bridesmaid, wanted to know where they were as she thought she'd join them for breakfast and go over ...

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'the wedding photos. You looked so lovely Pat, I am sure that you look cracking today don't you ?

Could you stretch to doing me an egg sandwich?'

Despite two audible groans of dismay, Debbie decided to join the wedding weary duo at their breakfast table.

Swigging hot sweet coffee, and necking hard boiled eggs, Debbie

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kept up a constant stream of inane chatter, while Pat and Willy looked increasingly cross-eyed and abstracted. However, when Debbie informed them that she'd cancelled all other appointments for the day and fully intended to ...

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drink beer with the newlyweds in the Black Goose saloon, there was a difference of opinion.

'Well actually we are departing on honeymoon to 

Southend.

It is a nice break and so can you..'

..'I really don't mind a sniffter of beer. I will join you at 2 ish  if that's ok', said Willy, cutting his angry wife short.

'Well one pm or nothing', said Debbie Dring, making it....

Edited by itsmeagain

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clear she intended to keep control of the situation. 'Conquer and divide,' that was her motto and so far ...

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she had managed it really well.

'Actually yes Debs I will join you and my delightful husband  at 1 o'clock,' said Patricia.

That had the desired effect, ie  it got rid of Ms Dring, and the upshot was that Patricia informed her husband that the two people meeting Debbie at 1, were the worst riff raff she could lure to meet Debs in pursuit of free drinks.

At 1034@m, Pat told Cicely Mannerless, 34, that Debs will be in the Black Goose and in need of company , at 1.

'Have you a nice gentleman to accompany you? After all, you...

 

 

 

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wouldn't turn down free drinks, would you?'

'Bahahaha, me Bert ain't no gentleman, rough diamond you might say. Ex-bikie, ex-con, but an 'eart of gold 'e 'as. Loves animals, a real softie,  it's only yooman's backs 'e breaks,' and she let out a loud cackle.

'Sounds just the ticket!' said Pat. 'Just look for a ...

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skinny rake wearing those pincer nosed glasses if you get my drift. She is thin, mousy, and wears specs. Tell Bert he is in luck if he likes pina coladas, cos Debs is really fond of helping all to have a great time.'

 

Bert Sozzler, 45, decided it sounded a great idea.

'If I get a wash first, it will go down much better', he said, and Cicely said ,'what, the beer?', and Bert declared  'surely '

At 1.15pm, The Black Swan hosted Lily Pringle and her sister Bonnie, both in their twenties, mousy, and petite.

'Hi which one's Debbie Divine?', leered Bert, as

Edited by itsmeagain

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he eyed up the sisters. The two girls giggled and decided to play along. 'She is,' they said simultaneously pointing to each other.

'You'll both do,' he smirked giving them a sloppy kiss each. Cicely didn't look impressed. 'So where's these drinks you promised us then, eh?'

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Meanwhile, at The Black Goose, Debbie was sat sipping coke whilst old Jim Finch, 74, made his third marriage proposal to her, since 2015.

'I can't Jim, am a busy lady. Too many school dinners to prepare, too many dumplings to make. If..'

'Oh don't lie to an old man, just cos I have mashed spud staining my jacket, I reek of sweat and cheap tobacco..just say it. ', and he guffawed mirthlessly, his yellow and black teeth....

 

Edited by itsmeagain

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