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itsmeagain

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a stream of sweat comparable to a hot shower, to stream down their respective faces.'Aaah must say, veckerrr, ye lot do make a sterrrling curry out in Jamaica.

Aah've neverrrr been, but.. ....

Edited by itsmeagain

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T'is on mah bucket list o' places tae visit.'

Frederika, however, being of Norwegian descent, and unfamiliar with the food group 'curry', was having a difficult time. Her nose was running like a drain, her ears ringing and her eyes were crossing in a most disturbing fashion. She seemed to have lost all intelligible speech faculties and was now making noises that sounded like ...

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a rhino at the climax of a troubled gestation, grunting and sighing, with gasps of dismay, as though giving birth to a tiny rhinoceros.

'Oh my god, this weird food is good, so good, but hot, so hot', she said, squeezing.....

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her eyes shut and holding her nose. Sophie brought her a glass of milk which seemed to calm the worst of the paroxysms.

There was a loud knock at the door and without waiting for an invitation, in blundered a large fellow, bellowing, 'Ma, it's me, yo second cousin Bucky Bodean from the U.S of A. How y'all doin'?'

Mike, who, like Ma, couldn't stand Bucky, muttered,' Twice removed, mair like it,  we're nae sure wha' he wis removed fae or how come, bit ye kin bet ...

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twas  nothing very praiseworrrthy.'

'Hey nice to see y'all today, and may the Lord bless us all' ,  said Bucky, a cowboy hat in white, atop his shaven, greasy bonce, brown braces supporting green corduroy trousers, a blue and green checked shirt completing the ensemble, together  with steel capped yellow boots with pink laces.

'Oh hello to you sah, in de name.....

 

Edited by itsmeagain

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of all dat be holy, wat on earth yuh call di get up yuh wearing?' asked a startled Forbes.

Before he could answer, Ma, hands on hips demanded, ' Whit arr ye daein' here, Bucky,  'n' whit dae ye waant? Th' lest time ye shawed yer ugly mug round 'ere ...

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the entirrrre Clackyerheels police , thaaat's all three men..were utilised tae arrest ye afterrr an all neet brawl at the Dog and Goatherrrrrd on Plum Pie street.

If Big Malky McSporran didnae recognise it as being you who had made lewd suggestions tae a couple of gerrals at..'

'Oh please...you flatter to deceive Ma...but I bring with me the very best of Yankee culture I  have some items to sell..a Bible best of compilation, on DVD and CD, a pack....

Edited by itsmeagain

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of bona fide Havana cigars, a dozen cans of spray cheese and a gen-u-ine star spangled banner.'

Mike picked up the cigars, 'Hey, thae say thar made in China!' and on checking the other items, discovered they were all from China.

'Thars nothing genuine aboot these!' and grabbing Bucky by the scruff of the neck, he frogmarched him out the back door, closely followed by ...

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Ma, gesticulating wildly all the while, snarling 'By merry gawd, if you show yerrrr American face heerrre again, so help me, aaaah'll call the police.'

Off the miscreant Bucky went, and  Forbes asked, 'Any more curry for dis congregation? In de name of de Lawd, curried ox ........

Edited by itsmeagain

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-tail is me favourite ting.'

'Ye'll hae tae gimme th' recipe,' said Ma and they huddled down for an in-depth conversation on the ins and outs of authentic curry ingredients.

That left Mike and Frederica to their own devices. It wasn't long before ...

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Mike went out to work at McSwedes greengrocers , of McGambler Avenue.

Soon he had the first customer of the day, a Mr Joe McCarrot, whose ginger hair showed ....

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signs of  bright orange running in little riverlets down his rather scrawny neck. 

'A fan of Trump are ye, Joe?' asked Mike.

'Why dae ye ask?' enquired Joe suspiciously.

'Weel, it's just that ...

 

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 yerrr hairrrrr leek, ya ken?'

'Aaa'll  hae less o' yerrr nawnsense, Jemmy.

Scawtesh nationalism, not USA, ferr me...and ye can stuff yerr bags o' tatties where no sun everrr shined!!!'.

And at that , he made tracks out to.....

Edited by itsmeagain

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the opposition A Great Pear, swearing he'd never darken the door of McSwedes again. Things were coming to a pretty pass when a body couldn't even enter a grocers to pick up his alfalfa sprouts and a rutabaga or two without having dispersions cast on ones chosen hair colour. He was still muttering to himself when the proprietor's daughter ...

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, Agoraphobia Belle, appeared.

Oh what a ravishing beauty, thought Joe, 'Aaaah heaven appearrrs before me at last... Now how arrrre you my beautiful darrrrling ..and dae you.....

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 lik' tae hae a wee stroll o' an evening?'

Agoraphobia shook her head, 'A'm afraid A'm allergic tae th' great outdoors.'

Joe, who couldn't imagine anything less like the great outdoors than Clackyerheels, tried a different tack. 'How aboot ah pick ye up in mah wee jalopy then we gang fur a wee dram at th' Mottled Cockle?'

Agoraphobia, who had a bit of a thing for redheads, asked ...

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'tell me kind sirrrr.....dae ye dae yerrrr hairrrrr up in a ponytail? Aahhh dae like that in a guy',  and she flushed crimson, her brown eyes sparkling in the gloomy interior of A Great Pear.

'Aaaah can cerrrrrtainly oblige you there, aaah love pony tails..Ainly recently aaaah featurrrred in a documentary about .......

Edited by itsmeagain

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how bonnie lassies love lang haired laddies,' and he demonstrated his ponytail tying technique.

Agoraphobia oohed and ahhed.  'So whit wis th' documentary called, have ye recorded it?'

'Ah will tell ye whit, why dinnae ye come round tae mine 'n' we kin ...
 

 

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look the wee programme up.....oh hello kind sirrrr....gulp....🙃😲☹️.....aaah was just admiring yerrrr  wacky title kind sirrrr...a great pearrrr....well indeed she has.....'

A very large man, Malky McSpudfry, 43, stood, arms folded.

'Arrre ye castin' asperrrsions about mah wee daughterrr? Ye see Jemmy....'

'Och noo aaah'd neverrr dae a thing wrawng tae herrr....aaah'm after  a 🍍 pineapple and a brace of turrrnips ma maan..kin ye....

Edited by itsmeagain

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kindly point me in th' right direction.'

Mr McSpudfry strode over the fruit and vegetable section, grabbed the goods and dumped them unceremoniously  in Joe's arms.

'That'll be twenty-five quid for you,' and he glared at Joe daring him to argue.

Joe gulped and ...

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said, 'Och aaah've only a fiverrr on me...'

'Och, pa, you know  Joe isnae baad..dinnae charrrge him aw that ferr just a couple o' turrrnips!'

Agoraphobia Belle McSpudfry, 21, asked for ' 2 qued sirrr', and a trembling Joe McCarrot ......

Edited by itsmeagain

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handed it over quickly, then scuttled out of the shop without so much as a backwards glance. Which was quite sad really as Agorophobia and him were very well matched with lots in common. However, this isn't the end of the story. The next day ...

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Agoraphobia was discussing red haired men on the phone with her friend Rena Scratchcard, and Rena mentioned the irony of life, you see, dear reader,  Rena knew a gerral named Sophie, and she worked in a hair salon.'How funny, a guy named McCarrot....with orange hairrrrr....imagine', and at that, Rena cracked up laughing, so much so that her cat, President Nixon,.   

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bushed out like a bottle-brush and climbed the net curtains, much to the detriment of the flimsy material. President Nixon remained perched on the pelmet, refusing to budge, and letting out a series of earsplitting caterwauls, even when Rena tempted him with ...

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22 hours ago, itsmeagain said:

 

 

7 hours ago, poppy said:

 

his favourite, Thai fish balls in a coconut cheese marinade.

Agoraphobia Belle asked Rena, 'so...dae you know the McCarrot boy too, aye?? Es he good lookin?'

'Och nooooo....

Edited by itsmeagain

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