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itsmeagain

Continue the story Game 2.

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'I look VERY, very good and I feel wonderful.' Priscilla was a devotee of visualisation and positive thinking.

'Sit yourself down, my little dumpling!' the Captain leered at Priscilla with his one good eye while the other gazed off somewhere towards starboard. He breathed rummy fumes into her face. His parrot glared at her maliciously.

'Tell me all about yourself, my fruity plum pudding!' and he gave her amply preportioned leg a good squeeze.

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"Well Cap'n John Longs I am Priscilla Flob and I come from Basingstoke, Hampshire. I love men, coffee, strong cigarettes, red wine, chicken , especially in red wine, and Maltesers.

Born in a nice hospital well it's crucial if you want emotional security.

I mean all this home birth...."

The Cap'n, encountering no resistance, launched a slimy slurpy kiss on her left hand and said "darling you are gorgeous."

Soup, being courgette soup with croutons and Stilton, was being slopped around the table of the dining room, sloshed up by two catering staff, Caitlin C Foode and Martha Seadog, whose best

Edited by itsmeagain

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efforts of staying out of the Captain's reach failed when they dished up his courgette soup and plonked down his Stilton. With a startled shriek they quickly moved on.

Captain Long John began to regale Priscilla with stories of his sailing career. 'An old seadog me, sailed the seven seas. It's been a rum sort of a life,' Priscilla didn't doubt that for a minute, judging by his breath, she imagined rum had played a large part in it,  ...'a different girl or two or three at every port. On the tropical island of Boomneeboo I picked up my first nasty dose of ...'

Fortunately he got no further, as the ship gave a violent lurch, spilling scalding courgette soup ...

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into the captain's lap.His screams alerted ship security, in this case Mervyn Makeitup and Callum

Losemyjob, both 24 and from Liverpool.

"Hey what's up soft lad ? Oooh sorry cap'n John, I mistook you for a member of the ship's travelling passengers."

"Get this soup cleaned up and get me a doctor" , roared the Cap'n.

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He hobbled off to his cabin. Priscilla breathed a sigh of relief and determined that Captain Long Johns and his vile looking parrot would have no place in her future visualisation sessions. Instead she turned her attention to Callum Losemyjob, the security officer. He looked particularly fit and although he was a few years younger than her (considerably, in fact, but she wasn't one to let facts get in the way of imagination) she was sure she could pass as ...

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a sprightly 30 if she showed enough cleavage to drive a schoolyard full of 15 year old boys into a frenzy.

"Well...hellew", she drawled, oozing cigarette vapours and moderately priced perfume.

"Where have I seen you before...dear?" , she asked, lighting her 14th fag of the day.

"You know I need some company..."

Me too , thought Callum, but I am not that desperate.

Before he knew it, Dr Edwin Grizzle, 45, appeared on deck.

Handsome, bearded, and bespectacled, Dr Grizzle asked to see the captain of the ship.

"I am.....

Edited by itsmeagain

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the ship's doctor and also the Health and Safety Officer. There may be an enquiry into how this accident happened.'

Priscilla rushed forward. 'I saw it all Doctor, I'd be happy to tell you all about it, if you'd like to come to my cabin later, Doctor,' she gushed.

He waved her aside dismissively, 'Out of my way woman, haven't got time for all your tittle-tattle!'

'Perhaps later then?' she asked hopefully.

He gave her a look which would have ...

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frozen the blood of the least perceptive and self aware of the 300 souls aboard the Lollipop.

Undeterred , she sallied downstairs and wandered to her room.

"I must ....

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have a little lie down and practice my visualisation. She floated off dreamily picturing herself married to the good doctor, accompanying him on his rounds, dispensing good cheer and her home-baked pumpkin seed muffins (guaranteed to cause indigestion in the most cast-iron of stomachs).

Meanwhile, Captain Long Johns was roaring around his cabin as if he'd received third degree burns, but when the doctor finally got him to sit down and he managed to take a look, it proved to be only a ...

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case of dirty skin soaked in sweaty grime.

"Oh you mucky sod..aren't there any women doctors around who want to look at the damage?"

"I am ship's doctor so stop yelling and simply get a good wash. You are soiled with sweat and unwashed inner thigh. Good day" and at that Dr

Grizzle ambled off. The rest of the dinner goers were being treated to cheese souffle with lamb and watercress followed by devilled eggs.

 

Constance Carburettor, 65, a devout Baptist, was alarmed by the devilled bit .

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(Constance Carburettor ... the names you come up with, Sean :rolol: Brilliant! )

 

CeeCee, as she liked to be called, refused to eat them and sent a note to the kitchen requesting the name be changed to Celestial Eggs.

Priscilla was keeping up her strength, in the hope she may need it later, with double helpings of everything, including plum duff with lashings of custard and cream. Her corsets gave a groan of distress.

When Dr Grizzle finally entered, all the ladies besieged him with inquiries about the captain's indisposition.

'A mere flesh wound, nothing more, do not distress yourselves,' and he shooed them away.

Captain Long John's limped in, grimacing fiercely but smelling decidedly ...

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fresher than he did an hour before. His nether areas had been doused in antiseptic disinfectant, nicely diluted with water. A prehistoric bar of soap bearing the price tag " 4 shillings", had been opened and by a process of enquiry Cap'n had deduced that if you wet the strange matter called soap it gets wet and you use it to clean grotty skin.

What an educational affair life is, mused the captain. Only the other year he thought...

Edited by itsmeagain

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there was not much more to learn on this mortal coil, but how wrong he'd been. Although his clothes felt itchy without the thick protection of dirt and grime on his skin, he rather liked the smell. He kept sniffing appreciatively under his armpits, something that hadn't been safe to do in years without the danger of imminent asphyxiation. Polly the parrot, sulking, had gone to roost in the lounge's aspidistra, refusing to believe ...

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that improved hygiene was safe. I mean, what is a parrot, so used to earthy stenches, to do when her sweaty human owner begins to wash for the first time ever?

So for 3 days Polly remained in the aspidistra bush, being fed by men like Callum Losemyjob and Mervyn Makeitup, ship security starlets both.

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When the women tried, Polly lashed out viciously, causing them to bleed profusely and scream. Ethel Evergreen had to be escorted to her cabin after the doctor gave her a sharp slap when she had hysterics and a fit of the vapours. Polly didn't take kindly to females, she considered them competition, but she went all gooey when the handsome security boys offered her tasty morsels like poppy seed rolls and fresh spinach leaves. She considered abandoning the irascible and erratic captain and ... 

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taking a shoulder perch on the shoulders of Callum Losemyjob.

Meanwhile back in Morecambe, Mrs More was still trying to find out where her rebellious muppet of a husband actually was. The Old Bill had tried ringing Gabby and the muppet Algie but had received just incoherent mumbo jumbo on the phone.

"I wonder where.....

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they could have got to? Alien abduction do you think, sir?' asked Deon Crankshaft, a new recruit.

'Don't be ridiculous lad, get back to filing!'

But all is not lost, gentle reader. Dont forget Annabelle's Detective Agency is on the case! At this very moment the doughty pair, Annabelle Chiffon and Harriet Synthonium, are winging their way to Ibeza after a garrulous airport ticketing agent was forthcoming about passenger lists. Unfortunately, business had not been good of late and the only seats they could afford were economy class. They were seated between a particularly large gentleman, snoring loudly and unattractively and a ...

Edited by poppy

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minute old lady, who punctuated her dreams with cries of "not on your Nelly dear".

It was apparently her son in Ibiza she was going to see.

Godbert D Wingfried, 24, was one of the cabin crew.

He was flapping ineffectively when a gentleman spilled orange juice on himself, and then he turned his attention to Annabelle.

Lovely dark hair, very smart...and so bossy...mmmmm...Godbert asked

"Can I get you anything dear?"

"Not on your Nelly !!" ejaculated Cicely D Cockcrow, the 90 year old referred to earlier.

"I was not....

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aware I possessed a Nelly, but I can assure you madam that if I did, I wouldn't be putting anything on it!'

'What? Speak up boy! What's that he's saying about bestiality and soaring madmen? He's dangerous! Air hostess!' she shouted, 'Terrorist!' Annabelle and Harriet tried to calm her down and restrain her, but too late, the passengers ...

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were treated to the sight of old Cicely trying to summon the police to sort out

Godbert,who simpered up to Annabelle and said, decorously,"Dear lady..such charm...a free sherry for you both in 1st class."

Eager to.....

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escape the cramped and disagreeable surrounds, the girls swiftly agreed. Handing her airline fare of soggy crackers and rubbery cheese and a bottle of lukewarm water to the plump man, saying, 'I won't be needing these any more,' Annabelle sashied after the flight attendant. However, disappointment, never far from the automatic door of life, was soon apparent when they were merely escorted to the front seats. The plane was too small to have a separate first class. It wasn't long before they were descending and the tropical island of Ibeza came into view. The sea was clear and azure blue, Hilary couldn't wait to try on her new ...

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swimming costume and to have a lot of sun and fun.

She felt that she would be able to show Annabelle what a good detective she actually was, not just a teasmaid or a flunky."Oh , life is good" , she thought, smiling at Annabelle as they took their luggage from overhead.

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'Right, first things first, let's do a  bit of sleuthing. If we grease a few palms, we might be able to find out some useful information.' She approached a shifty eyed airport attendant, flashed her official detective identification and showed him photos of the missing pair with a $20 bill half hidden underneath. 'Ever seen these two?'

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"No I have not. And if I had what an irregular request!! By Jove you don't expect such stuff to happen in Ibiza!!"

And with that he turned away. Our duo got in a taxi.

Meanwhile on the Lollipop,the good captain decided to sleep ....

Edited by itsmeagain

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off the indignities of soup scaldings in sensitve places and the shock to his system of being immersed in water that didn't have a saline element. He just didn't feel the same man after his run in with rose-scented soap. All the while the ship was sailing further and further in the opposite direction to the passenger's intended destination. Had the captain's navigating gear gone haywire, did the crew not recognise that they were passing all the wrong landmarks? Or was something more sinister afoot?

Edited by poppy

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