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R.M.S

Would you read this book?

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In a Kingdom where they slaughter unicorns for sport, Araman Raliena is in pursuit of a secret which
could threaten to throw the four Kingdoms of Fardonmeria into turmoil and bring
about more than just the demise of the unicorns.

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A book about slaughtering unicorns for young readers? Doesn't sound like such a good idea to me.

 

I don't think I'd be interested in that book. I always found unicorns very much high fantasy cliché, even if it's about hunting them, and since the rest of the text is pretty much non-descriptive that's a clean miss for me.

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I always thought unicorns are too mystical and hard to even spot. They always represent the nature and work as deus-ex-machina. To be honest I hate them and this is mostly because in all movies the horn attached to the horse is so ridiculously moving as the animal is walking around. I fully agree with Sakura that they are a big cliché. Hunting unicorns for pleasure sounds interesting but I can't imagine the rest of the story. Should be a really messed up world...

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Thank you for the comments. Yes I did write this book and I am trying to write a query letter to an agent at the moment. This was suppose to be my hook so I maybe should have added what the book was about also.

 

It is an attempt to make unicorns less 'my little pony' and the book doesn't feature them that much. It is mainly about the Araman whose job it is to find the unicorn with a newly appointed knight. However, she is reluctant to do this as she is against the tradition but knows she has little choice because the first knight she is appointed to is the General of a neighboring kingdom that has come to secure an alliance between them. He is invited to participate in the tradition as a gesture of good will, but before he can, he becomes mysteriously ill and the Araman Raliena, after a lifetime of hiding her healing ability that she gained from a unicorn's blood, has to risk exposing her power to those who wish to use it for personal gain, to save the general and complete the alliance.

 

Raliena also now has to contend with the King's manipulative adviser who wishes to claim her powers by using something called the right of the Sinners.

 

The unicorns are more of a catalyst in the story but I thought I should mention it in my hook as there is very little market out there for them and as I said, I was trying to make them more interesting. Perhaps I should leave that out of the hook for now?

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A book about slaughtering unicorns for young readers? Doesn't sound like such a good idea to me.

 

I don't think I'd be interested in that book. I always found unicorns very much high fantasy cliché, even if it's about hunting them, and since the rest of the text is pretty much non-descriptive that's a clean miss for me.

 i respect your opinion but no I can definitely see this being a Kids book. In fact, it does sound like a kids story, i think it's good. Sounds like something Disney would write, sad stories with good moral-meaning to them. Like Bambi, lol.. As for me, no i don't think I personally would read it but not because of any bad reasons, it's just not my style. 

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First impressions (setting aside my own personal opinions on unicorns):


If the book is for younger readers, I would ask whether the 4-5 syllable names here are representative of other names/places in the rest of the book. If so, this may be a little off-putting for some (speaking from experience of working with children aged 11-18).


You asked whether you should leave unicorns out of the hook based on how people here have responded to them. I would say that if they are a really key element of the plot then you should definitely not leave them out, but maybe make it a little clearer that they are related to this (somewhat vague) impending 'turmoil'. Perhaps a mention of the blood connection between them and this Araman may prompt more interest in the main character.

 

Also, maybe change 'unicorns' to an original creature from your own imagination. There's nothing to stop you from basing it on a unicorn, but it would perhaps add a little originality and prevent knee-jerk negative reactions like the ones above.

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I agree with the above comment from signor finz. It is your own book rms, that you have worked hard on,with a few tweaks, you can make your synopsis more attractive to an agent.Just make it clear to the agent if it is an adult or  young adult book. There is obviously going to be more than unicorns in it [why are unicorns any more derisive than vampires????] Go for it!

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