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bev

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Everything posted by bev

  1. You answer the door before people knock. - You ski uphill. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You lick your coffeepot clean. - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." - You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - Cocaine is a downer. - You don't need a hammer to pound nails. - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You buy Nescafe & Kenco by the barrel. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - People get dizzy just watching you. - You've worn the finish off your coffee table. - The Gold Blend couple wants to adopt you. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - Instant coffee takes too long. - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. - You don't tan, you roast. - You can't even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail.
  2. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in !!!!
  3. Erith ,but the posh people call it Northumberland Heath !!, do you know it ? Are you going to add an avatar now ?

  4. Hey twinkle, don't worry about replying. You have to wait until you have 10 posts. :D

  5. :thanx: for adding me as a friend, I will be just the first of many ! They are a very friendly bunch. :D Hope to see you around the board.
  6. Hi susan, how are you ? I see you had a book buying madness the other day !!!! Glad to see you got Dave something !! ;);)

  7. Hi twinkle hope you enjoy it here.

  8. I'm glad you are enjoying them. I wasn't sure whether they were suitable for the forum. As for where I get the jokes................ my sources are secret !!! :lol:

  9. One of the pleasures of getting old & getting away with so much more !! Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting..... An old man once told us...........Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age !!!!
  10. "Cash, cheque or credit card ?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her bag. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
  11. While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"To which she replied, "I'm late for work."Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.""And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he asked."You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." she responded.Traffic Ticket
  12. Not bad thanks, I think the worst is over !! (I hope )

  13. A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
  14. bev

    Love the picture of your Grandad :D

  15. Thanks Ann I'm feeling better but it's not gone completly !! :irked:

  16. bev

    :flowers2::flowers2::flowers2::flowers2::flowers2:Welcome back
  17. I will try to keep the jokes coming. Look after supergran she is a lovely lady. :D

  18. bev

    No problem, like your poppy. And your dogs are cute too. :D

  19. I hope to curl up on the sofa this afternoon and read most if not all of it !! How far have you got with it & are you enjoying it ?

  20. bev

    yah m8, just dropped in to wish u luck for tomorrow :friends0::friends0::friends0:Missing u already !!!! get well soon

  21. Even though he was wearing sunglasses, you could see Kanye West was thinking "What the hell ?" Look Who It Is ! - Alan Carr
  22. bev

    Thanks Kate I might just have to pop it in my Amazon basket !!

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